long live the car-crashed hearts...

trying to sleep in the car. realize my eyes won't close cause you're there. feel like everything's gonna be ok. the world is crashing down at my feet. the zombies are closing in. running. running. running. just trying to stay alive. and when i finally run out of breath. i look up. and there's a field. do i die in a field, or keep trucking on? sleep. sleep. sleep. night closes in and the zombies are back. it was all a dream. but for mere moments, forgot the terror. i found my safety net just now. thank the music. thank god. thank you. wish i could carry my savior around in my pocket. for now, i'll steal moments alone w/ you. just good to know you're still out there. i missed having that comfort. i miss you. i miss what you meant to me. i'm spinning fuct like the music will spill out and surround me with a protective spell. nothing makes sense anymore. i can't control anything. yet, i control everything. i'm blind in the dark and the batteries in my flashlight are starting to fail. but i cling to hope. you're out there. feel my way through the forest of fear and helplessness. i'll catch your hand soon. just have to keep going. the world belongs to those who choose to hope. i've got the whole world in my hands.

she paints me blue...

so scared that you'll do something rash. please don't let it take you. fight it. fight with everything you have. you are a warrior. we both are. i feel the fire rise up in me. keep my strength. hold it in just a little longer. it will explode forth like the furies of hell. but not yet. wait for it...wait for it...it's done. why can't you see that it'll all be okay. looking at you, i see myself. i'm reaching out a hand to you like someone once did for me. please, take my hand.
all by myself..but not alone. felt like i belonged. i do belong. pushing my way into the crowd. pointing the lights all on me. turning on. it takes a minute, but soon, i'll be lit up like jesus raining down from heaven. wake little children. wake. the time has come to take a stand. to fight. freedom and happiness are the sword and the arrows. dreams come true are the targets. practice. practice. soon, the war will come. take a side. and fight till the end. blood, sweat, and tears are the sacrifice we all must make. sacrifice yourself on the altar of faith. give over to the unknown. darkness is nothing but the absence of light. here's a match. light the world.

i'm hoping to hear something besides echoes everytime i say hello.

woke up this morning and found something missing. looked for my keys. my shoes. my breakfast. nothing's missing. but something is. i can't breath. evertime i try to stop and think, i'm suffocating. there's so much on my mind. and i can't get it out. i'm terrified. rooted to the ground and i can't move an inch. i've held onto this my whole life. and without it, i have nothing. what can i do? i've got a handful of unhappiness. this wasn't how it was supposed to be. i had a plan. i'm in the car. and i've got tears in my eyes because i can't bear another day. i just want to go back and change it all. why can't i just be different? and everyone expects me to be something i'm not. i'm not who you think i am. i cry in my room at night because i can't get out. because i know i'll never be happy. never be something. never...be. i wish i could write more. wish i could purge it all. but there's too much to be said. and not enough words to say it. i need to find a way back. i'll see you when i fix it.

give me the song and i'll sing it like i mean it...

i'm crying too much to post how i really feel.

life despite god...

it's been forever since i've bled my soul. i'm ready to let it take over again. it's time. i'm nothing without it. i've got a chill right down in my veins. they shiver and shake into my bones. i move to the pulse of the song. sing my troubles to life. her voice is rough and scratchy. the sound of my soul. here comes the rain. i'll get soaked and i don't care. my eyes are tired and my mind is tired and my soul is tired. i need to sleep endlessly. but i love the torture. keep me up. run me down. light the candle. extenguish the flame. love is a battlefield. i'll shoot you dead. break you apart. build a mosaic from your shredded heart. bruises on my arms tell the truth. just because you like a person, doesn't mean they're good. please say i'm good at what i do. tell me that it's never gonna be the same. tell me someone's listening. sending wishes and prayers up to the stars. message failed. please re-send. what goes up must come down. down down down i go. and i'll rise up again. i'll rise until it's done. don't let it end. i want it all for myself. i won't stop until you know my name. i won't stop before i become your god(dess). i won't stop until your prayers are sent to me. until i'm amongst the stars. look up into the sky. do you see me looking down? do you feel me in your dreams? i'm losing faith in truths. faith in lies. in lies faith. i have faith in you. don't loose faith in me.

the sun was never cold.

wish i had something to say to you to make it all seem alright...i'm at a loss...i've got $7 dollars in my bank account...i'm nearly out of gas...and i'm homesick for a home that i can't find. i wish i knew we would be ok..that things would get better..but, right now...i don't know anything. i can see the veins in my fingers glowing green. my hands are cold. and my heart is cold. and my soul is cold. it rained here this morning. and i wish it was still raining. i wish it would rain forever. i just want to close my eyes and sleep it all away. i'm turning my ipod up louder and louder to block out the world. i'm a con artist. i'm selling lies..and they're buying them like it's oxygen. but i'm the most genuine con artist you'll ever meet. i'm the heartbreaker with the broken heart. i swear he felt my heart dying. i'm numb...and i hate that more than i hate the depression. at least when i was depressed, i knew how i felt....i don't know...i have no feelings..i feel dead inside. i'm sure i'll be fine tomorrow. and so will you. we'll be fine, because.i don't know..we just have to be ok. we will be.

and now, it's all the same to me...

my mind wants to do so much. but i'm so tired. i want to jump in the car and find a tattoo parlour. get that phoenix. it's time to be reborn. i've been through too much. i just can't take this anymore. they're giving me more meds and uping the one's i'm already on just to keep me from going out of my head. it shouldn't be like this. it's always something. why isn't it ever something good? something that lasts. i'm spending money like it's gonna save me. i had to become completly histarical for her to realize i really do have a problem. i hear the fear in her voice. she's scared i'm going to do something drastic. like kill myself. not this time. i won't give them the satisfaction. i won't let them break me. how can i prove everyone wrong when i'm dead? i'm too damn stubborn for my own good. there's so many things i wish i could say. i'm dreaming of pirate ships. in the middle of the ocean. the wind picks up. before i know what's happening, the ship capsizes. but i'm the only one afraid. the only one who knows how bad it is. i'm struggling to stay above water while everyone else is practicing their breaststrokes. i'm dreaming of five sons and not a father in sight. the storm scares them, and i can't help them. i'm yelling and trying everything i can to make it okay. but nothing works. the planes fly over and i think we'll get bombed. what can you do when you're out of hope? you're gonna have to hold on. i will always go beside you. you will always understand.

so long and goodnight..

sobbing my eyes out because it's all i have the strength to do anymore. i'm losing my mind and i know it. i'm powerless to stop it. i'm an innocent passer-by watching myself get hit by a car. i'm screaming as loud as i can. but no one hears me. one day soon, you'll never be able to get me out of your head. i'll make sure of that. i said if i killed you, it wouldn't be wrong because you deserve it. and i know i'm right. they told me to up my meds so i could get through the weekend without a mental breakdown. see the doctors on monday. the thing is, i wasn't like this before you. you say you like me. you're lying through your fucking gap-tooth. you're out to destroy me, and sometimes, i think you might. and maybe i don't care so much. someone once wrote that they thought if they ran their car into a tree, their death would look like an accident. i'm in the car and it's all i can think of. i don't want to die yet. i just want to have some time to...i don't really know. i just want time. seems to me, you want all the time you can get from me. suck me dry. i'll shrivel up like a raisen. this wasn't how it was supposed to be. i'm dying in the sun. i like the moon better. it casts the shadow i'm already painting. my nails are black and my hair is swoopy and in my eye and i wish i could stay that way. i don't want to clean up for you. i want to live in hoodies and jeans and flats. and i want you to fear me and idolize me all at once. i want to cover my skin in ink to cover the scars i'm ignoring. wash away my sadness. replace with power and fire. i must go on standing. it's not my choice. there's always a choice. i could fall, but what's the point? i'd just have to pick myself up again. who controls the key? the lock is broken. open the door to me. there's so much i need to show you. i want to bear my soul to you, but at the same time, i'm terrified of what you must think of me. the truth will set you free. lies will pull you down and destroy you. i'm a walking lie. little white lie turns into earth shattering revelation. i want a boy with broken lips and a broken heart. finish breaking me. and we will be broken together.

mono

driving across the bridge...i think i could drive off the edge...and i might. i'm sobbing now, and i can't make it stop. cry me a river? no, i'll cry you an ocean. i don't even know if i believe in arch angels, but i'm praying to them to protect me. i'm losing my mind and all i want to do is cry myself to sleep. where is the burning? i want the rage to kick in. let it burn me up inside. i want you to see just how far you've pushed me. i want to stop cowering in the corner, praying you'll get hit by a bus. and, yes, i really do want you to die a horrible death. you walk up to me and smile. you're pushing me over the edge and smiling the whole time. and the worst thing is, you know it. you'll do everything in your power to get rid of me. oh god i want to hear you say..i want to hear you say that i'm so much better than you. and i'll write a song about you. i'll sing it every night. i'll scream my hatred for you until my lungs bleed. somewhere, you'll be choking on every last thought i'll shove down your throat. nail your coffin shut. i'll set fire to your body and let the maggats take the leftovers. you're nothing. and i'll remind you of that every god damn day of my life. revenge is best served hot. fresh from the oven. watch your skin melt from all the revenge i'll serve you. don't you wish you were me? i'm consumed in flames. i breathe them in. take a deep breath. you'll choke on the smoke. you'll never be able to handle it. it will destroy you. i thrive on it. it's the only tool i can use. i'll see you in hell. i'll be the one wearing flames like skin. watch me burn. and i'll rise.

the road's gonna end on me...

getting up just after i've gone to sleep. my eyes won't open. i can't keep doing this. holding back tears as i try to swallow pills. i'm bleeding and it won't stop. and all i want to do is get in the car, and drive. pull out of the driveway and never look back. drive two hundred miles in any direction before i stop for gas. i want to leave it all behind. the depression hits in the morning and i can't make it stop. and it makes me happy to feel so bad. the darkness takes hold once more. and i'll let it. there's no good with out bad. you think you're good. maybe a little bad. you're nothing. i look through you. i smile to your face as i shove you under a train. i'll stab you in the back, turn you around and slit your throat. feel my eyes scorch your skin as you take your last breath. i'll give you the luxury of seeing my face as you die. of knowing that i destroyed you. it's time to end this. you are not a worthy opponent. i'll cover you in dirt and spit on your grave. you reach up through the ground as i turn to leave. i feel the breeze of your hands reaching for me. but you'll never catch me again. you're wasting my time. time won't stop for me. i'm running to catch up. always just out of reach. i want to stay up and watch the sunrise. i want to sleep for a hundred years. wake up to a new era. wake up when my life has started. i'm ready for it to end before it's even begun. but i've got too much to do. buddha's waiting. so is monica. it's time to rise up from the ashes. the phoenix is reborn. the phoenix will wake from the slumber of ashes and spread her fiery wings. twice i've burned my life's work. once to start a new life. and once just to start a fire. burn down this life and rebuild from the ashes. i'll let the white hot flames consume me. breathe them in until the world makes sense again. i'd rather burn out than fade away. watch me burn.

you want to live? you better figure out your life.

what ice does that cut? it's time to use the gift i've been given. i've put if off for too long. they beat me until i saw black. all the time, i could defend myself, but i wouldn't. i had the power to change it. i could manipulate the energy around me. send a ripple of change through the universe. he asked me once, "why don't you use it?" i still can't answer that question. not really. because i was weak. because i was afraid. because i didn't think i was good enough. didn't want to make a mistake. it is better to regret the things i've done than the things i did not do. waiting on the sidelines. i'm not even on the team. screw your team. i don't want to be part of a team. i want to be on my own. it's time to let the star shine. get out from behind the moon. let the moon shine in her own space. i'll get my own. i want you to look at me and know i'll be better than you. i'm not so good now. but the seasons have to change sometime. a new breeze is pushing through the trees. let it wash over me. through me. cleanse me inside and out. let the gods reside in me. let the power show in my eyes. push talent out through every pore in my skin. let it ooze over me like a protective sheild. i'm a forcefield. try and stop me. i'll be past you before you even understand what i am. i'll climb the ladder and burn it from the top down. you feel the heat pulse past your face as the ashes collect at your feet. squint your eyes so the light doesn't blind you. i'm burning this world down. you'll see my outline walking away through the smoke. one last look over my shoulder before i disappear. i'll never go back to the graveyard where i left myself. i am reborn. a cat gets nine lives. wait till you see what i do with the next eight.

understand what i've become...

my head has been kicking around a soccer ball. back and forth. forth and back. everyone's eyes follow it. trying to see who'll win the match. i call in a replacement. take out a normal teammate. pull out the seasoned pro from another team. it all clicks. goal! finally. the game is won. there will be more games. we've won the battle. but we're still in the war. but we'll fight this war smart. we won't walk through the woods wearing bright orange. stomping through on the trails. cover us in mud and watch us walk on tree branches. we'll swing down on our enemies and before they know what hit them, we're back in the trees. they'll never figure us out. we're all just actors. playing the roles we've been given. who are you really? sometimes i have no idea how to answer that question. what do you like to do. what can i honestly say to answer that question? i'm a double agent. i'll give you the answer i want you to hear. i'm holding the real one inside. because, maybe i'm not good enough. but i'm ready to give it a shot. and i know it'll end well. because everything i said, i meant it. i've been lead to the answer that's been hiding in the dark corners of my mind. hand me a flashlight. better yet, flip on the overhead lights. i want to see every crack in my mind. i am sick of hiding things from myself. i know what i want. and i know how to get it. i'd be mad to stop now. i have everything i need. i've been saying it for years. but i finally mean it now. it's time to jump in.

prescribe pills...

i'm pulling tears in from the back of my mind. they rush to the surface but i stop them just in time. i'm finding it hard to adjust. you're holding a pillow over my mouth. smother me to death. you take one pillow, replace it with another. i'll have a chance to choose. i hate the pattern of the first one. it's bad memories of screaming myself to sleep. second choice, perfect at first, but the closer i look, the less i like the pattern. so, now i'm stuck. i've got two pillows hovering over me. pick one. but i can't. i don't want to. i don't want to be smothered. it's hard work keeping it together. it's sofie's choice. i'm sick of all of it. i just want what i want. i'm bored with working for a paycheck. i want to work because i want to. i want to find something that makes me happy. i want to find something to hold onto until it's time to let go. let me go. it's time. i'm sick of being scared of everything. weakness is stronger than i thought. the demons are waking inside me again. i need to up my dose. but how much is too much? i feel the coldness take hold once again. and i don't give a fuck. let it in. let it freeze me inside out again. because i'm nothing without it. i'll never be as good as you. i'll be better and i know it. i need to start relying on myself. i'm working on it. i'm making changes. a tornada just hit. sent my house flying. wake up in oz. only if i get flying monkeys. i'll get you my pretty. take me. i won't fight back. i just got the news the cells were unidentifyable. could be nothing. could be cancer. how fucked up am i to wish it was cancer? i'll let it eat me alive because i can. i'll never amount to anything without trials. send in the jury. it's time to hang for the crimes i've commited. give me immortality. it's the gift that keeps on giving. give me a break. preferably the neck. you'll find me at the bottom of the sea. the sirens call out to me. lead me to my death on the cold rocks. i'll sacrifice myself for you. i'll become a daughter of the air. help me gain an eternal soul. maybe that's the happy ending. the real ending, the sacrificial lamb turns to sea foam. she is nothing. no one ever knew she exhisted. show me i exhist.

runaway love

i'm ready to run. standing on the edge of everything. i look down. am i up for it? i step back. it's a long way down. am i sure i can do this? but i have to. there's nothing to go back to. it's time i faced my fears. the emptyness is creeping slowly up behind me. i can feel it's cold breath on my shoulders. it's ghost hands reach out to grab my arm. stop me from doing this. i feel a light feather of ice brush against my hand. but it's too late. i run. run until my lungs burst. i hit the edge and jump out. i'm terrified as i fall. i see the ground racing to meet me. just as i feel it's too late, i'll surely never make it, i feel the rope hook. my body bobs up and down for a few minutes. but i made it. that's all that matters. one down. a million more to go. i'll just keep truckin on. check marks litter a page. when it's full, i'll let go. move on. see mary. until then, i keep going for the rush. my feet are rogue agents. they roam for the next big fix. the advance with the most potential wins my attention. just keep swimming. there's a strong current coming in. stay strong and push through.

Run where you'll be safe through the garden gates to the shelter of magnolias

there's so much i can't say. my mind is a switchboard with a crack addicted eight year old running it. it won't slow down long enough for me to find something solid. i hate it here in this prison. i've been dragged to an open field and left for dead. nothing but agony for miles around. where's god when i need answers? where's mary when i need her most? where's an easy button? something. anything to give me a direction. but that map doesn't exist. even if it did, would i know how to read it? my eyes are heavy. but i won't sleep. i'll torture myself a little longer. i like the pain. i usually wish for more, just so i could have a reason to feel this way. cancer destroyed her. it ate at her until there was nothing left but a shell. i used to think that her purpose was me. she was a shooting star. make a wish before it burns out. it's gone before you ever realize it was there in the first place. i remember crying in the car because i was completly helpless without her. because i couldn't help her. i did nothing but watch her suffer. i am non-exhistant without her guiding me. sometimes, i wish and pray with everything i have that my headaches will turn out to be cancer. just like her's did. i want to go to the absolute brink of death. i want to look death in the face. i'm not afraid to die. death is nothing to fear. just don't let me die alone. it's my last request. i want to die. but not stay dead. i want to get in a horrible car accident. and die. just long enough to see her. i only want her and mary. no one else. i want them to tell me what to do. let me know i'll be something someday. someone told me i'd want to see my grandma. no. i want monica and mary. that's it. they're all i need. i'm holding on to one measley picture and a letter. that's all i have left of her. i don't even know where she rests. her face is starting to blur. i'm terrified to lose her. she's all i have. she's my spine. she holds me up when i have nothing else. she's the reason i keep moving on. and she's slipping away. i'm being dragged down under water. and she's being pulled into the boat. it's so cliche' but i really do think of her every day. it's almost an obsession. it's the only real thing i have anymore. it's the constant in my life. it's the sun rising over a war torn country. serenity in the middle of chaos. the world is spinning so fast. it's all new to me. but at the same time, it's always the same. i can't take much more of it. i just wish she was here to tell me what to do. show me how to stay strong. i just want to rage. i want to scream and kick and punch. there's nothing else to do. but the rage has to be reigned. check that temper. if anyone really knew what it could do, they'd hate you. it would push them away. like a dagger to the throat. taste the cold metalic blood as it trickles down your chest. the dreams are back. dreams of spiders crawling everywhere. the more i struggle to get away from them, the more i find. until i can't breathe. i dreamt of my father. i'm only getting flashes now. god, i wish i could remember something. it's an affair. i just know it is. or maybe that's just my mind wanting a reason to hate him for some unknown reason. he shook me once. i was so afraid. weakness took over. i cried. it's just a flash. but it's one of the strongest memories i have of him. that fear. when he slammed through the door, i felt evil grasp me. i couldn't fight back. i was so small. i was a child. i'll never trust him. i still flinch when he yells. communication doesn't exhist here anymore. maybe it never did. she refuses to see the problem. he's just not there. it's me and her. my graduation picture is her and i, side by side. he pokes his head up from behind. completly forgotten. every once in a while, he reminds me that he's not the complete monster i have thought him up to be. he's still my dad. emotional unavailability or not. but he's not romie. no one can ever be romie. he introduced me to music. helped me learn to catch a ball. to add a spiral onto my passes. he held me when i cried. i sobbed into his chest, and i knew what it was like to be safe. he's the only reason i'll ever come back here. if i ever come back. i never want to see this city again. i want to drive away. sell off my past. and never look back. one city blanketed in sadness. wake up and push off the covers. it's a new day. and i'm a new person. i'll have a new life soon. someone once said you can't go home again. i can't even find a home. there's a sneaking suspicion that home won't be a place, but a person. maybe monica was my home. and now she's gone. i'll spend the rest of my days wandering. walk walk walk until i find a temporary place to lay my head. i'll kick anyone and everyone out of my bed. sleep is too intimate. there's no filter. it's the most exposed a person will ever be. i never want you to see me for what i really am.

should i stay? or should i go?

it's amazing. i fought so hard to shake the feeling of isolation. seclusion. i held in tears just so i could stay sane for one more minute. refused to break down and sob, because i knew i'd never compose myself afterwards. i would cry until my eyes ran dry. until they shriveled up and fell out. i struggled so hard to stay afloat. and then, just like that, it was gone. i felt like i was gonna be okay again. i laughed for the first time in months. a real laugh. one that didn't bring tears of sadness. i had been surrounded in deep melancholy. i was gasping for breath just to make it through. i was walking in a forgotten field. encircled by fog. couldn't see my fingers before i jabbed myself in the eye. there was a coldness clamped around my heart. it froze me inside out. every step left black ice. no one saw it. but it was there. all of a sudden, the sun came out. a warm breeze melted the ice into rivers. flooding the land. replenish my earth. flowers poking their heads above the ground. turing to face the sky. but, without rain, the sun suffocates the flowers. they scorch and crumble. the grass burns. i found a savior. or so i thought. the so called savior was a traveling salesman. sold me sugar water. i long for the depression. i miss feeling. even if it was wrong. i knew where i stode. i know how i feel now. but it's not enough to keep me going. the canvas was there. propped up in front of me. i had the paint. i had the brush. i auctioned it all to get the eisle to hold the canvas. now i'm staring at an empty eisle. no canvas. no paint. not even a brush. i'm trying to paint with pencils. but they keep breaking. they say if i work hard enough, i'll find the paint. the brush. maybe even a canvas. not as good as the old one. but something will come along. i stand at a four way stop. east and west? or north and south? go east! no! north! everyone's shouting directions. i feel like it's the price is right. the right answer wins you a car! maybe even a vaction! i need a vacation from myself. i set myself up for disappointment. waiting for the non-exhistant father to show up for my fifth birthday party. i put on my little pink dress. my patent leather white mary janes. curls in my hair. and a pink bow to top it off. i stand in the entryway, smile plastered to my face. wait. wait. wait. i stand there all day. but he never comes. i'm carried up to my bed. tears bleed through my pillow. another year gone. another year older. another dress i'll burn in my memories.

in your head...zombie...

two people in the last two days have told me i should see a counselor to help me deal with my issues. it's my move. stay and guard the back line. the last line of defense. or push forward, letting everything i've worked so hard to protect crumble to pieces. i can't tell the future. how do i know it'll turn out for the best? i spent my whole life placing bricks together, forming a wall. how long will it take to knock it down? when you open a flood gate, how do you undo it? how can i know that it won't all come crashing over me? sink or swim? i'm a fucking horrible swimmer. sink? cake or death? um...i'll have the cake, please. we're all out. so, my option is death? yes. i'll have the chicken instead. meat is murder. i'll never eat anything that had a face at one time. there isn't that much in it. i'll starve instead. death before conformity. you'll take me kicking and screaming. i'll never stop. i'll never give up. faith, hope and love. it's all you have in the end. well, faith gave me a tiny rope to walk on. tight rope walking in complete fog. reaching out for a safety net. it's filled with holes. no one noticed i was losing my balance. as i fell, one hand reached out. caught me just before i fell. no one knows what it's like, out there all alone. one hand gave me the strength to try again. i found the hope i'd lost. i remember what it was like to see tomorrow as a new chance. i'm ready to jump in. things are looking up. the only thing left is love. i can wait. good things come to those who wait. i'm jumping trains. wait till you see where i end up. just don't you try and stop me. it's a slippery slope, and i'm scared the whole way down. but nothing worth while ever comes easy. and no one realizes that telling me i can't do it makes me want it more. i drove home in tears today because a complete stranger told me i'm not good enough. that i should just settle. i've settled for too long. i'll fucking do whatever the hell i please. i've wasted so much time doing what everyone else told me to do. crying on the inside because i was taught never to show weakness. i feel pain, but don't know how to express it. i'm walking straight into fire and you're trying to be the victim? and i give in, because i'm sick of fighting. i'm too tired to let this go on. i want to scream so loud that my voice tears itself apart. i want to destroy you with every word that drips from my mouth. i'm sick of hating you. i'm sick of loving you. i'm ready to walk away and never come back. i'm ready to have a summer that never happened. i'll never tell another soul. i won't miss you when i disappear. i will not mourn the loss of kristin. she was nothing. and, slowly, i'm killing her. it's a new era. in the house of krisa with a leo moon. the sun is coming up and spring showers are falling. wash away the past. clean up for the future. it's time to move on.

merry christmas...i could care less...

it's six hours away..six seems to be the magic number this year for me...it's been six years...six years since you left. six stars for six years. i'm twenty-two now. so were you. by the time it's done, i'll have twenty-two stars for you. twenty-two stars to save the souls of the lost. maybe one of those stars will save me. maybe one already has. when the blessed mother reveals herself, she'll have a star on her tummy. where will my star be? one star saved us all. that's what we're told. and sometimes, i believe it. it's a wonderful life. sometimes i believe that too. everything seems so pure in black and white. jimmy stewart holds the key to happiness. we're parallel lines. happiness is a drink served warm. hand me a mug, i'm parched. what is it you want, mary? you want the moon? why don't you kiss her instead of talking her to death? kiss me and i'll give you the moon. maybe tomorrow. it's all a thread. it's breaking. i'm hanging on for just a moment longer. don't let go yet, broken angel a million miles away. i'm with you. if i can hang on for just a bit longer, so can you. we'll hang on to each other. the world is spinning and we're flying off. grab my hand. we can save each other. i'm ready to be saved. i'll give you a star. second star to the right, and straight on till morning. i'll give you a star if you give me the moon. forget the moon, i'll give you whatever you want. just don't let go of me. don't leave me alone. i want a boy who can breath life into my soul. let my tears flow onto your shoulder until there are none left. give me the strength to be vulnerable. i don't want to hold myself up anymore. i want someone who will take care of me. remind me that it'll all be ok. cause we're together and that's all that matters. it's all we need. all i want for christmas is to know that you'll be here when i wake up. we're sleeping in separate beds in separate cities. where ever you are, i'm sleeping next to you. i'll dream of your arms around me while i sleep. feel your chest rising and falling with each beautiful breath you take. merry christmas baby. i'll be right here when you wake up.

so i'm waiting for this test to end...

i don't know what to say anymore...it's all been said...i've spilled my heart onto this floor. and i can't do it anymore..i'd bleed myself dry just to die in your arms..my eyes hurt from all the tears that i'm not releasing. i'll hold it in, until i implode. suffocate on these emotions. i don't even know where they come from anymore..i can't get hold of anything. there's nothing to grasp. it hits me like rain. perfectly sunny to drenched in less than 60 seconds. the clouds open up...and i find myself crying inside the laughs..maybe this is how i'm supposed to be. you can't write unless you got a pen..right? i'll hold this pen and run the ink out. all over this page. until all there is is black..pure black ink. it swims and swirls and i'm catching smoke. i just want to hide in the darkness and not come out. "there's some good left in the world." and i believe it. just wish i could feel it. or, maybe i don't. i guess i need this. i'm taking pain medication to stop the feeling. and it's working. but what can i do to feel just not...feel..you know? who can really know what i'm talking about anymore. i don't even understand half the stuff that pushes through these rough fingers i carry. i sleep all the time now. it's all i want to do...i grow nastalgic for the good 'ole days. and i wish things could have been different..i want to go back and change nearly everything. i'm looking at the stars wondering if you're looking at the same one. the spirit of the season is cold isolation. and i'm isolating myself more and more. it's a drug. i can't stop. i avoid the things i know i should emerse myself in. i'm so cut off from everything i cherish. and i'm doing it to myself...i'm like a prisoner of war. lock me in this cage and soon enough you'll see my insanity. i'll tear off these sleeves and show you my veins. am i even alive anymore? it's all a false show. i'm playing the role i've been trained to play. i'm a monkey riding a bicycle. round and round she goes...where she stops..who will ever know? when will it stop? i used to have hope. true, unfiltered hope. now, it's all short term. i wish for things, and i get them. and it matters none. because it can't make you happy. you can't take it with you. but the things that make me happy have a tendency to scare the devil out of me. look underneath my skin. peek inside my chest. is that heart and soul really as black as it feels? december is distroying me. and i'm letting it. i'll give in and sleep it off. maybe the new year will bring something..a change of winds. remind me what it's like to smile. cause my face is frozen in the drama mask. comedy and drama. it's one or the other. and i'm choosing pain. maybe it'll expose the realness i carry locked away behind my spine. maybe all this time, the happiness was just a play. i've been running lines for years. smile here. stage left. speak louder. the audience needs to connect. pretend it's all ok. the show must go on. break a leg. maybe a heart. don't miss your cue. it's all a joke. they'll never know you're crying salt into your veins. i'm holding my breath till i see spots. show me salvation. cause all i see is failure. spin me around and send me on my way. i stumble when i walk. it's all i have now. i'm just too tired anymore. i'll lay down under a porch just to get some shut-eye. five fucking minutes and i'm on my way. i'll make a thousand enemies just to keep one friend. i'm afraid of wasting it all. just wish i could get that jolt. send me into action. show me mary. i want some answers. will things get better? but they always get worse before the goodness comes. i'll be right here. send the bad. i'll swallow it whole and breathe out butterflies.

till kingdom come

for you i'd wait. till kindgom come. i felt those words flow through my veins. it bleeds from my mouth, like the air i breathe. i saw you looking down on me, and i know you're there. you are with me always. i carry you like a ring on my finger. i'm married to the dream of the person you thought i would become. but i'd give it all up to go back and rebuild the past. there are so many things i wish i'd said. i wish i could tell you how much you saved me. come back and save me more. you were the compass to my map. without you, i'm lost. i'm walking in circles and the sun is going down. i'll look into the stars and see my god. my heart has gone cold. it can't break no more. it's sugarglass. shattered in the hallway of life. don't look down. just step around it and pretend it's not there. i miss the strength you showed me. be my razorblade. i'll be your cutter. bleed me dry when the sorrow comes swift. you had faith in yourself. faith in me. you saw me, not for who i was. but who i could be. the tears flow like fire down my cheeks and i know you feel it too. are you still guiding me? teaching me? giving me the strength to push on? i left that world behind. it was just too hard without you there. i'd fight my way back in if it meant you'd turn around and give me something to hang on to. the waves crash on my feet and i'm falling fast. is this what if felt like to see the melody? i was a child jumping to your footprints. the sand is washed away. i'm left standing on cold rock. cut my feet open like the wounds you endured. i'm looking for a reason to speak. something to make my heart beat. my pulse stopped when you left. and nothing makes sense anymore. the frigid air of the end bites at my skin. i would live an eternity if i could find where you've gone. don't go. just say you'll wait. you'll wait for me.