Friday, February 23, 2007
getting up just after i've gone to sleep. my eyes won't open. i can't keep doing this. holding back tears as i try to swallow pills. i'm bleeding and it won't stop. and all i want to do is get in the car, and drive. pull out of the driveway and never look back. drive two hundred miles in any direction before i stop for gas. i want to leave it all behind. the depression hits in the morning and i can't make it stop. and it makes me happy to feel so bad. the darkness takes hold once more. and i'll let it. there's no good with out bad. you think you're good. maybe a little bad. you're nothing. i look through you. i smile to your face as i shove you under a train. i'll stab you in the back, turn you around and slit your throat. feel my eyes scorch your skin as you take your last breath. i'll give you the luxury of seeing my face as you die. of knowing that i destroyed you. it's time to end this. you are not a worthy opponent. i'll cover you in dirt and spit on your grave. you reach up through the ground as i turn to leave. i feel the breeze of your hands reaching for me. but you'll never catch me again. you're wasting my time. time won't stop for me. i'm running to catch up. always just out of reach. i want to stay up and watch the sunrise. i want to sleep for a hundred years. wake up to a new era. wake up when my life has started. i'm ready for it to end before it's even begun. but i've got too much to do. buddha's waiting. so is monica. it's time to rise up from the ashes. the phoenix is reborn. the phoenix will wake from the slumber of ashes and spread her fiery wings. twice i've burned my life's work. once to start a new life. and once just to start a fire. burn down this life and rebuild from the ashes. i'll let the white hot flames consume me. breathe them in until the world makes sense again. i'd rather burn out than fade away. watch me burn.
Monday, February 19, 2007
what ice does that cut? it's time to use the gift i've been given. i've put if off for too long. they beat me until i saw black. all the time, i could defend myself, but i wouldn't. i had the power to change it. i could manipulate the energy around me. send a ripple of change through the universe. he asked me once, "why don't you use it?" i still can't answer that question. not really. because i was weak. because i was afraid. because i didn't think i was good enough. didn't want to make a mistake. it is better to regret the things i've done than the things i did not do. waiting on the sidelines. i'm not even on the team. screw your team. i don't want to be part of a team. i want to be on my own. it's time to let the star shine. get out from behind the moon. let the moon shine in her own space. i'll get my own. i want you to look at me and know i'll be better than you. i'm not so good now. but the seasons have to change sometime. a new breeze is pushing through the trees. let it wash over me. through me. cleanse me inside and out. let the gods reside in me. let the power show in my eyes. push talent out through every pore in my skin. let it ooze over me like a protective sheild. i'm a forcefield. try and stop me. i'll be past you before you even understand what i am. i'll climb the ladder and burn it from the top down. you feel the heat pulse past your face as the ashes collect at your feet. squint your eyes so the light doesn't blind you. i'm burning this world down. you'll see my outline walking away through the smoke. one last look over my shoulder before i disappear. i'll never go back to the graveyard where i left myself. i am reborn. a cat gets nine lives. wait till you see what i do with the next eight.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
my head has been kicking around a soccer ball. back and forth. forth and back. everyone's eyes follow it. trying to see who'll win the match. i call in a replacement. take out a normal teammate. pull out the seasoned pro from another team. it all clicks. goal! finally. the game is won. there will be more games. we've won the battle. but we're still in the war. but we'll fight this war smart. we won't walk through the woods wearing bright orange. stomping through on the trails. cover us in mud and watch us walk on tree branches. we'll swing down on our enemies and before they know what hit them, we're back in the trees. they'll never figure us out. we're all just actors. playing the roles we've been given. who are you really? sometimes i have no idea how to answer that question. what do you like to do. what can i honestly say to answer that question? i'm a double agent. i'll give you the answer i want you to hear. i'm holding the real one inside. because, maybe i'm not good enough. but i'm ready to give it a shot. and i know it'll end well. because everything i said, i meant it. i've been lead to the answer that's been hiding in the dark corners of my mind. hand me a flashlight. better yet, flip on the overhead lights. i want to see every crack in my mind. i am sick of hiding things from myself. i know what i want. and i know how to get it. i'd be mad to stop now. i have everything i need. i've been saying it for years. but i finally mean it now. it's time to jump in.
Friday, February 09, 2007
i'm pulling tears in from the back of my mind. they rush to the surface but i stop them just in time. i'm finding it hard to adjust. you're holding a pillow over my mouth. smother me to death. you take one pillow, replace it with another. i'll have a chance to choose. i hate the pattern of the first one. it's bad memories of screaming myself to sleep. second choice, perfect at first, but the closer i look, the less i like the pattern. so, now i'm stuck. i've got two pillows hovering over me. pick one. but i can't. i don't want to. i don't want to be smothered. it's hard work keeping it together. it's sofie's choice. i'm sick of all of it. i just want what i want. i'm bored with working for a paycheck. i want to work because i want to. i want to find something that makes me happy. i want to find something to hold onto until it's time to let go. let me go. it's time. i'm sick of being scared of everything. weakness is stronger than i thought. the demons are waking inside me again. i need to up my dose. but how much is too much? i feel the coldness take hold once again. and i don't give a fuck. let it in. let it freeze me inside out again. because i'm nothing without it. i'll never be as good as you. i'll be better and i know it. i need to start relying on myself. i'm working on it. i'm making changes. a tornada just hit. sent my house flying. wake up in oz. only if i get flying monkeys. i'll get you my pretty. take me. i won't fight back. i just got the news the cells were unidentifyable. could be nothing. could be cancer. how fucked up am i to wish it was cancer? i'll let it eat me alive because i can. i'll never amount to anything without trials. send in the jury. it's time to hang for the crimes i've commited. give me immortality. it's the gift that keeps on giving. give me a break. preferably the neck. you'll find me at the bottom of the sea. the sirens call out to me. lead me to my death on the cold rocks. i'll sacrifice myself for you. i'll become a daughter of the air. help me gain an eternal soul. maybe that's the happy ending. the real ending, the sacrificial lamb turns to sea foam. she is nothing. no one ever knew she exhisted. show me i exhist.
Monday, February 05, 2007
i'm ready to run. standing on the edge of everything. i look down. am i up for it? i step back. it's a long way down. am i sure i can do this? but i have to. there's nothing to go back to. it's time i faced my fears. the emptyness is creeping slowly up behind me. i can feel it's cold breath on my shoulders. it's ghost hands reach out to grab my arm. stop me from doing this. i feel a light feather of ice brush against my hand. but it's too late. i run. run until my lungs burst. i hit the edge and jump out. i'm terrified as i fall. i see the ground racing to meet me. just as i feel it's too late, i'll surely never make it, i feel the rope hook. my body bobs up and down for a few minutes. but i made it. that's all that matters. one down. a million more to go. i'll just keep truckin on. check marks litter a page. when it's full, i'll let go. move on. see mary. until then, i keep going for the rush. my feet are rogue agents. they roam for the next big fix. the advance with the most potential wins my attention. just keep swimming. there's a strong current coming in. stay strong and push through.