Held myself together. Stuck it out. Felt my body collapsing into itself. It was all Jack's Mannequin and bleeding heartbreak. Goodbye and good day. He's been gone for so long and I know I'll be fine. Just fine. I don't think I'll ever see him again. That should hurt more than it does. Maybe I never saw him to begin with. Never saw myself until he left. I'm stronger than all this life. So many options right now. Doors are opening and I'm peeking in. The world is coming together and I'm reaching towards a goal. Breathe in life. Here it comes. I can feel the screams I wish I could express. I want to go into the courtyard and yell at my loudest just like I did so many years ago. Nerves in my gut need something to do besides squirm. Want to run a mile just to see where I am. Wake up and be alive. B-free. B-happy. B-boys and b-loved. It's more than gas stations and sore legs. Push-up bras and quotas. Two hours of sleep aren't fixing me like they used to. Roadtrips and mix cds can heal the world. Jump in the car and blast out the love. My world is Iron and Wine and Brand New. Twenty-five in thirty-five days. A quarter of a century down. What can I say? A lot, depending. The filter can't block it all. Best friends are there to think clearly for me. I'm not who you think I am. I'm so much more than you'll ever understand. I want to make you by destroying you. I want to destroy you by making you. I want to feel you in me. I want to force you out. Can't understand. How did you read that book? Takes most people years, it took you minutes. For every action there is a reaction. It's not what I expected. I'm naked and confused. Life is new. Give me a list. I need to check stuff off.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Pray. Pray that God will send someone to love you. Pray that God will help you get hired. Pray that it will all be okay. Fuck it! God's not listening. Maybe God doesn't exhist. If I want something, I'll have it. On my own. I don't need to bend and scrape and wish and dream and hope. I have the ability to make it happen without anyone else's help. I am not weak. I have weaknesses, yes. But I am not weak. And I will not change who I am to fit into some mold that everyone else has laid out for me. If you don't like me, I don't care. I am what I am. Take a minute to get to know me. I love music that makes me feel something. I can totally block out the world if a good song comes on. I love to knit. I hate to knit. I laugh. A lot. I hate driving. I love books. I have considered, on more than one occasion, how exciting the Zombie Apacolypse will actually be. Sometimes, I argue just to argue. I wish I had a bigger bootie. I have a scar on my arm from accidentally running into a metal gate at work. The first time I ever fell in love was when I was 16. It didn't happen again until I was 23. Both guys broke my heart by leaving. I have a friend in Iraq. I'm scared for her everyday. During the winter, I become a total hermit. I won't leave the house for days if I don't have to. I love the book A Picture of Dorian Gray because "He looked on evil simply as a mode through which he could realise his conception of the beautiful." I believe that love is the most excruciating emotion a person can feel. That's why it's so amazing. I know that someday, I will walk out that door. And I won't come back. It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution.