Tuesday, November 13, 2007

i love you too..

got the doors stuck in my head. break on through to the other side. god, what i wouldn't give to break on through to the other side. things are good. things suck. making friends who actually give a shit. got someone to walk the path with. walk until our feet get tired. we'll find our way out someday. for now, we'll just stick together and walk. it's fall. the trees are my soul. gold and red and dying. feel the chill in the air. it'll be time again soon. one year ago i couldn't see the end. now i can't see the begining. wish i had something to call my own. someone. the phone's been ringing, ain't no one answering. ready to feel the pain again. i've missed it so. when it comes, i'll be ready and waiting. there'll be peace when you are gone. go now in peace.

Monday, October 15, 2007

long live the car-crashed hearts...

trying to sleep in the car. realize my eyes won't close cause you're there. feel like everything's gonna be ok. the world is crashing down at my feet. the zombies are closing in. running. running. running. just trying to stay alive. and when i finally run out of breath. i look up. and there's a field. do i die in a field, or keep trucking on? sleep. sleep. sleep. night closes in and the zombies are back. it was all a dream. but for mere moments, forgot the terror. i found my safety net just now. thank the music. thank god. thank you. wish i could carry my savior around in my pocket. for now, i'll steal moments alone w/ you. just good to know you're still out there. i missed having that comfort. i miss you. i miss what you meant to me. i'm spinning fuct like the music will spill out and surround me with a protective spell. nothing makes sense anymore. i can't control anything. yet, i control everything. i'm blind in the dark and the batteries in my flashlight are starting to fail. but i cling to hope. you're out there. feel my way through the forest of fear and helplessness. i'll catch your hand soon. just have to keep going. the world belongs to those who choose to hope. i've got the whole world in my hands.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

she paints me blue...

so scared that you'll do something rash. please don't let it take you. fight it. fight with everything you have. you are a warrior. we both are. i feel the fire rise up in me. keep my strength. hold it in just a little longer. it will explode forth like the furies of hell. but not yet. wait for it...wait for it...it's done. why can't you see that it'll all be okay. looking at you, i see myself. i'm reaching out a hand to you like someone once did for me. please, take my hand.
all by myself..but not alone. felt like i belonged. i do belong. pushing my way into the crowd. pointing the lights all on me. turning on. it takes a minute, but soon, i'll be lit up like jesus raining down from heaven. wake little children. wake. the time has come to take a stand. to fight. freedom and happiness are the sword and the arrows. dreams come true are the targets. practice. practice. soon, the war will come. take a side. and fight till the end. blood, sweat, and tears are the sacrifice we all must make. sacrifice yourself on the altar of faith. give over to the unknown. darkness is nothing but the absence of light. here's a match. light the world.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

i'm hoping to hear something besides echoes everytime i say hello.

woke up this morning and found something missing. looked for my keys. my shoes. my breakfast. nothing's missing. but something is. i can't breath. evertime i try to stop and think, i'm suffocating. there's so much on my mind. and i can't get it out. i'm terrified. rooted to the ground and i can't move an inch. i've held onto this my whole life. and without it, i have nothing. what can i do? i've got a handful of unhappiness. this wasn't how it was supposed to be. i had a plan. i'm in the car. and i've got tears in my eyes because i can't bear another day. i just want to go back and change it all. why can't i just be different? and everyone expects me to be something i'm not. i'm not who you think i am. i cry in my room at night because i can't get out. because i know i'll never be happy. never be something. never...be. i wish i could write more. wish i could purge it all. but there's too much to be said. and not enough words to say it. i need to find a way back. i'll see you when i fix it.

Friday, April 13, 2007

life despite god...

it's been forever since i've bled my soul. i'm ready to let it take over again. it's time. i'm nothing without it. i've got a chill right down in my veins. they shiver and shake into my bones. i move to the pulse of the song. sing my troubles to life. her voice is rough and scratchy. the sound of my soul. here comes the rain. i'll get soaked and i don't care. my eyes are tired and my mind is tired and my soul is tired. i need to sleep endlessly. but i love the torture. keep me up. run me down. light the candle. extenguish the flame. love is a battlefield. i'll shoot you dead. break you apart. build a mosaic from your shredded heart. bruises on my arms tell the truth. just because you like a person, doesn't mean they're good. please say i'm good at what i do. tell me that it's never gonna be the same. tell me someone's listening. sending wishes and prayers up to the stars. message failed. please re-send. what goes up must come down. down down down i go. and i'll rise up again. i'll rise until it's done. don't let it end. i want it all for myself. i won't stop until you know my name. i won't stop before i become your god(dess). i won't stop until your prayers are sent to me. until i'm amongst the stars. look up into the sky. do you see me looking down? do you feel me in your dreams? i'm losing faith in truths. faith in lies. in lies faith. i have faith in you. don't loose faith in me.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

the sun was never cold.

wish i had something to say to you to make it all seem alright...i'm at a loss...i've got $7 dollars in my bank account...i'm nearly out of gas...and i'm homesick for a home that i can't find. i wish i knew we would be ok..that things would get better..but, right now...i don't know anything. i can see the veins in my fingers glowing green. my hands are cold. and my heart is cold. and my soul is cold. it rained here this morning. and i wish it was still raining. i wish it would rain forever. i just want to close my eyes and sleep it all away. i'm turning my ipod up louder and louder to block out the world. i'm a con artist. i'm selling lies..and they're buying them like it's oxygen. but i'm the most genuine con artist you'll ever meet. i'm the heartbreaker with the broken heart. i swear he felt my heart dying. i'm numb...and i hate that more than i hate the depression. at least when i was depressed, i knew how i felt....i don't know...i have no feelings..i feel dead inside. i'm sure i'll be fine tomorrow. and so will you. we'll be fine, because.i don't know..we just have to be ok. we will be.

Monday, March 05, 2007

and now, it's all the same to me...

my mind wants to do so much. but i'm so tired. i want to jump in the car and find a tattoo parlour. get that phoenix. it's time to be reborn. i've been through too much. i just can't take this anymore. they're giving me more meds and uping the one's i'm already on just to keep me from going out of my head. it shouldn't be like this. it's always something. why isn't it ever something good? something that lasts. i'm spending money like it's gonna save me. i had to become completly histarical for her to realize i really do have a problem. i hear the fear in her voice. she's scared i'm going to do something drastic. like kill myself. not this time. i won't give them the satisfaction. i won't let them break me. how can i prove everyone wrong when i'm dead? i'm too damn stubborn for my own good. there's so many things i wish i could say. i'm dreaming of pirate ships. in the middle of the ocean. the wind picks up. before i know what's happening, the ship capsizes. but i'm the only one afraid. the only one who knows how bad it is. i'm struggling to stay above water while everyone else is practicing their breaststrokes. i'm dreaming of five sons and not a father in sight. the storm scares them, and i can't help them. i'm yelling and trying everything i can to make it okay. but nothing works. the planes fly over and i think we'll get bombed. what can you do when you're out of hope? you're gonna have to hold on. i will always go beside you. you will always understand.

so long and goodnight..

sobbing my eyes out because it's all i have the strength to do anymore. i'm losing my mind and i know it. i'm powerless to stop it. i'm an innocent passer-by watching myself get hit by a car. i'm screaming as loud as i can. but no one hears me. one day soon, you'll never be able to get me out of your head. i'll make sure of that. i said if i killed you, it wouldn't be wrong because you deserve it. and i know i'm right. they told me to up my meds so i could get through the weekend without a mental breakdown. see the doctors on monday. the thing is, i wasn't like this before you. you say you like me. you're lying through your fucking gap-tooth. you're out to destroy me, and sometimes, i think you might. and maybe i don't care so much. someone once wrote that they thought if they ran their car into a tree, their death would look like an accident. i'm in the car and it's all i can think of. i don't want to die yet. i just want to have some time to...i don't really know. i just want time. seems to me, you want all the time you can get from me. suck me dry. i'll shrivel up like a raisen. this wasn't how it was supposed to be. i'm dying in the sun. i like the moon better. it casts the shadow i'm already painting. my nails are black and my hair is swoopy and in my eye and i wish i could stay that way. i don't want to clean up for you. i want to live in hoodies and jeans and flats. and i want you to fear me and idolize me all at once. i want to cover my skin in ink to cover the scars i'm ignoring. wash away my sadness. replace with power and fire. i must go on standing. it's not my choice. there's always a choice. i could fall, but what's the point? i'd just have to pick myself up again. who controls the key? the lock is broken. open the door to me. there's so much i need to show you. i want to bear my soul to you, but at the same time, i'm terrified of what you must think of me. the truth will set you free. lies will pull you down and destroy you. i'm a walking lie. little white lie turns into earth shattering revelation. i want a boy with broken lips and a broken heart. finish breaking me. and we will be broken together.

Thursday, March 01, 2007


driving across the bridge...i think i could drive off the edge...and i might. i'm sobbing now, and i can't make it stop. cry me a river? no, i'll cry you an ocean. i don't even know if i believe in arch angels, but i'm praying to them to protect me. i'm losing my mind and all i want to do is cry myself to sleep. where is the burning? i want the rage to kick in. let it burn me up inside. i want you to see just how far you've pushed me. i want to stop cowering in the corner, praying you'll get hit by a bus. and, yes, i really do want you to die a horrible death. you walk up to me and smile. you're pushing me over the edge and smiling the whole time. and the worst thing is, you know it. you'll do everything in your power to get rid of me. oh god i want to hear you say..i want to hear you say that i'm so much better than you. and i'll write a song about you. i'll sing it every night. i'll scream my hatred for you until my lungs bleed. somewhere, you'll be choking on every last thought i'll shove down your throat. nail your coffin shut. i'll set fire to your body and let the maggats take the leftovers. you're nothing. and i'll remind you of that every god damn day of my life. revenge is best served hot. fresh from the oven. watch your skin melt from all the revenge i'll serve you. don't you wish you were me? i'm consumed in flames. i breathe them in. take a deep breath. you'll choke on the smoke. you'll never be able to handle it. it will destroy you. i thrive on it. it's the only tool i can use. i'll see you in hell. i'll be the one wearing flames like skin. watch me burn. and i'll rise.

Friday, February 23, 2007

the road's gonna end on me...

getting up just after i've gone to sleep. my eyes won't open. i can't keep doing this. holding back tears as i try to swallow pills. i'm bleeding and it won't stop. and all i want to do is get in the car, and drive. pull out of the driveway and never look back. drive two hundred miles in any direction before i stop for gas. i want to leave it all behind. the depression hits in the morning and i can't make it stop. and it makes me happy to feel so bad. the darkness takes hold once more. and i'll let it. there's no good with out bad. you think you're good. maybe a little bad. you're nothing. i look through you. i smile to your face as i shove you under a train. i'll stab you in the back, turn you around and slit your throat. feel my eyes scorch your skin as you take your last breath. i'll give you the luxury of seeing my face as you die. of knowing that i destroyed you. it's time to end this. you are not a worthy opponent. i'll cover you in dirt and spit on your grave. you reach up through the ground as i turn to leave. i feel the breeze of your hands reaching for me. but you'll never catch me again. you're wasting my time. time won't stop for me. i'm running to catch up. always just out of reach. i want to stay up and watch the sunrise. i want to sleep for a hundred years. wake up to a new era. wake up when my life has started. i'm ready for it to end before it's even begun. but i've got too much to do. buddha's waiting. so is monica. it's time to rise up from the ashes. the phoenix is reborn. the phoenix will wake from the slumber of ashes and spread her fiery wings. twice i've burned my life's work. once to start a new life. and once just to start a fire. burn down this life and rebuild from the ashes. i'll let the white hot flames consume me. breathe them in until the world makes sense again. i'd rather burn out than fade away. watch me burn.

Monday, February 19, 2007

you want to live? you better figure out your life.

what ice does that cut? it's time to use the gift i've been given. i've put if off for too long. they beat me until i saw black. all the time, i could defend myself, but i wouldn't. i had the power to change it. i could manipulate the energy around me. send a ripple of change through the universe. he asked me once, "why don't you use it?" i still can't answer that question. not really. because i was weak. because i was afraid. because i didn't think i was good enough. didn't want to make a mistake. it is better to regret the things i've done than the things i did not do. waiting on the sidelines. i'm not even on the team. screw your team. i don't want to be part of a team. i want to be on my own. it's time to let the star shine. get out from behind the moon. let the moon shine in her own space. i'll get my own. i want you to look at me and know i'll be better than you. i'm not so good now. but the seasons have to change sometime. a new breeze is pushing through the trees. let it wash over me. through me. cleanse me inside and out. let the gods reside in me. let the power show in my eyes. push talent out through every pore in my skin. let it ooze over me like a protective sheild. i'm a forcefield. try and stop me. i'll be past you before you even understand what i am. i'll climb the ladder and burn it from the top down. you feel the heat pulse past your face as the ashes collect at your feet. squint your eyes so the light doesn't blind you. i'm burning this world down. you'll see my outline walking away through the smoke. one last look over my shoulder before i disappear. i'll never go back to the graveyard where i left myself. i am reborn. a cat gets nine lives. wait till you see what i do with the next eight.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

understand what i've become...

my head has been kicking around a soccer ball. back and forth. forth and back. everyone's eyes follow it. trying to see who'll win the match. i call in a replacement. take out a normal teammate. pull out the seasoned pro from another team. it all clicks. goal! finally. the game is won. there will be more games. we've won the battle. but we're still in the war. but we'll fight this war smart. we won't walk through the woods wearing bright orange. stomping through on the trails. cover us in mud and watch us walk on tree branches. we'll swing down on our enemies and before they know what hit them, we're back in the trees. they'll never figure us out. we're all just actors. playing the roles we've been given. who are you really? sometimes i have no idea how to answer that question. what do you like to do. what can i honestly say to answer that question? i'm a double agent. i'll give you the answer i want you to hear. i'm holding the real one inside. because, maybe i'm not good enough. but i'm ready to give it a shot. and i know it'll end well. because everything i said, i meant it. i've been lead to the answer that's been hiding in the dark corners of my mind. hand me a flashlight. better yet, flip on the overhead lights. i want to see every crack in my mind. i am sick of hiding things from myself. i know what i want. and i know how to get it. i'd be mad to stop now. i have everything i need. i've been saying it for years. but i finally mean it now. it's time to jump in.

Friday, February 09, 2007

prescribe pills...

i'm pulling tears in from the back of my mind. they rush to the surface but i stop them just in time. i'm finding it hard to adjust. you're holding a pillow over my mouth. smother me to death. you take one pillow, replace it with another. i'll have a chance to choose. i hate the pattern of the first one. it's bad memories of screaming myself to sleep. second choice, perfect at first, but the closer i look, the less i like the pattern. so, now i'm stuck. i've got two pillows hovering over me. pick one. but i can't. i don't want to. i don't want to be smothered. it's hard work keeping it together. it's sofie's choice. i'm sick of all of it. i just want what i want. i'm bored with working for a paycheck. i want to work because i want to. i want to find something that makes me happy. i want to find something to hold onto until it's time to let go. let me go. it's time. i'm sick of being scared of everything. weakness is stronger than i thought. the demons are waking inside me again. i need to up my dose. but how much is too much? i feel the coldness take hold once again. and i don't give a fuck. let it in. let it freeze me inside out again. because i'm nothing without it. i'll never be as good as you. i'll be better and i know it. i need to start relying on myself. i'm working on it. i'm making changes. a tornada just hit. sent my house flying. wake up in oz. only if i get flying monkeys. i'll get you my pretty. take me. i won't fight back. i just got the news the cells were unidentifyable. could be nothing. could be cancer. how fucked up am i to wish it was cancer? i'll let it eat me alive because i can. i'll never amount to anything without trials. send in the jury. it's time to hang for the crimes i've commited. give me immortality. it's the gift that keeps on giving. give me a break. preferably the neck. you'll find me at the bottom of the sea. the sirens call out to me. lead me to my death on the cold rocks. i'll sacrifice myself for you. i'll become a daughter of the air. help me gain an eternal soul. maybe that's the happy ending. the real ending, the sacrificial lamb turns to sea foam. she is nothing. no one ever knew she exhisted. show me i exhist.

Monday, February 05, 2007

runaway love

i'm ready to run. standing on the edge of everything. i look down. am i up for it? i step back. it's a long way down. am i sure i can do this? but i have to. there's nothing to go back to. it's time i faced my fears. the emptyness is creeping slowly up behind me. i can feel it's cold breath on my shoulders. it's ghost hands reach out to grab my arm. stop me from doing this. i feel a light feather of ice brush against my hand. but it's too late. i run. run until my lungs burst. i hit the edge and jump out. i'm terrified as i fall. i see the ground racing to meet me. just as i feel it's too late, i'll surely never make it, i feel the rope hook. my body bobs up and down for a few minutes. but i made it. that's all that matters. one down. a million more to go. i'll just keep truckin on. check marks litter a page. when it's full, i'll let go. move on. see mary. until then, i keep going for the rush. my feet are rogue agents. they roam for the next big fix. the advance with the most potential wins my attention. just keep swimming. there's a strong current coming in. stay strong and push through.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Run where you'll be safe through the garden gates to the shelter of magnolias

there's so much i can't say. my mind is a switchboard with a crack addicted eight year old running it. it won't slow down long enough for me to find something solid. i hate it here in this prison. i've been dragged to an open field and left for dead. nothing but agony for miles around. where's god when i need answers? where's mary when i need her most? where's an easy button? something. anything to give me a direction. but that map doesn't exist. even if it did, would i know how to read it? my eyes are heavy. but i won't sleep. i'll torture myself a little longer. i like the pain. i usually wish for more, just so i could have a reason to feel this way. cancer destroyed her. it ate at her until there was nothing left but a shell. i used to think that her purpose was me. she was a shooting star. make a wish before it burns out. it's gone before you ever realize it was there in the first place. i remember crying in the car because i was completly helpless without her. because i couldn't help her. i did nothing but watch her suffer. i am non-exhistant without her guiding me. sometimes, i wish and pray with everything i have that my headaches will turn out to be cancer. just like her's did. i want to go to the absolute brink of death. i want to look death in the face. i'm not afraid to die. death is nothing to fear. just don't let me die alone. it's my last request. i want to die. but not stay dead. i want to get in a horrible car accident. and die. just long enough to see her. i only want her and mary. no one else. i want them to tell me what to do. let me know i'll be something someday. someone told me i'd want to see my grandma. no. i want monica and mary. that's it. they're all i need. i'm holding on to one measley picture and a letter. that's all i have left of her. i don't even know where she rests. her face is starting to blur. i'm terrified to lose her. she's all i have. she's my spine. she holds me up when i have nothing else. she's the reason i keep moving on. and she's slipping away. i'm being dragged down under water. and she's being pulled into the boat. it's so cliche' but i really do think of her every day. it's almost an obsession. it's the only real thing i have anymore. it's the constant in my life. it's the sun rising over a war torn country. serenity in the middle of chaos. the world is spinning so fast. it's all new to me. but at the same time, it's always the same. i can't take much more of it. i just wish she was here to tell me what to do. show me how to stay strong. i just want to rage. i want to scream and kick and punch. there's nothing else to do. but the rage has to be reigned. check that temper. if anyone really knew what it could do, they'd hate you. it would push them away. like a dagger to the throat. taste the cold metalic blood as it trickles down your chest. the dreams are back. dreams of spiders crawling everywhere. the more i struggle to get away from them, the more i find. until i can't breathe. i dreamt of my father. i'm only getting flashes now. god, i wish i could remember something. it's an affair. i just know it is. or maybe that's just my mind wanting a reason to hate him for some unknown reason. he shook me once. i was so afraid. weakness took over. i cried. it's just a flash. but it's one of the strongest memories i have of him. that fear. when he slammed through the door, i felt evil grasp me. i couldn't fight back. i was so small. i was a child. i'll never trust him. i still flinch when he yells. communication doesn't exhist here anymore. maybe it never did. she refuses to see the problem. he's just not there. it's me and her. my graduation picture is her and i, side by side. he pokes his head up from behind. completly forgotten. every once in a while, he reminds me that he's not the complete monster i have thought him up to be. he's still my dad. emotional unavailability or not. but he's not romie. no one can ever be romie. he introduced me to music. helped me learn to catch a ball. to add a spiral onto my passes. he held me when i cried. i sobbed into his chest, and i knew what it was like to be safe. he's the only reason i'll ever come back here. if i ever come back. i never want to see this city again. i want to drive away. sell off my past. and never look back. one city blanketed in sadness. wake up and push off the covers. it's a new day. and i'm a new person. i'll have a new life soon. someone once said you can't go home again. i can't even find a home. there's a sneaking suspicion that home won't be a place, but a person. maybe monica was my home. and now she's gone. i'll spend the rest of my days wandering. walk walk walk until i find a temporary place to lay my head. i'll kick anyone and everyone out of my bed. sleep is too intimate. there's no filter. it's the most exposed a person will ever be. i never want you to see me for what i really am.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

should i stay? or should i go?

it's amazing. i fought so hard to shake the feeling of isolation. seclusion. i held in tears just so i could stay sane for one more minute. refused to break down and sob, because i knew i'd never compose myself afterwards. i would cry until my eyes ran dry. until they shriveled up and fell out. i struggled so hard to stay afloat. and then, just like that, it was gone. i felt like i was gonna be okay again. i laughed for the first time in months. a real laugh. one that didn't bring tears of sadness. i had been surrounded in deep melancholy. i was gasping for breath just to make it through. i was walking in a forgotten field. encircled by fog. couldn't see my fingers before i jabbed myself in the eye. there was a coldness clamped around my heart. it froze me inside out. every step left black ice. no one saw it. but it was there. all of a sudden, the sun came out. a warm breeze melted the ice into rivers. flooding the land. replenish my earth. flowers poking their heads above the ground. turing to face the sky. but, without rain, the sun suffocates the flowers. they scorch and crumble. the grass burns. i found a savior. or so i thought. the so called savior was a traveling salesman. sold me sugar water. i long for the depression. i miss feeling. even if it was wrong. i knew where i stode. i know how i feel now. but it's not enough to keep me going. the canvas was there. propped up in front of me. i had the paint. i had the brush. i auctioned it all to get the eisle to hold the canvas. now i'm staring at an empty eisle. no canvas. no paint. not even a brush. i'm trying to paint with pencils. but they keep breaking. they say if i work hard enough, i'll find the paint. the brush. maybe even a canvas. not as good as the old one. but something will come along. i stand at a four way stop. east and west? or north and south? go east! no! north! everyone's shouting directions. i feel like it's the price is right. the right answer wins you a car! maybe even a vaction! i need a vacation from myself. i set myself up for disappointment. waiting for the non-exhistant father to show up for my fifth birthday party. i put on my little pink dress. my patent leather white mary janes. curls in my hair. and a pink bow to top it off. i stand in the entryway, smile plastered to my face. wait. wait. wait. i stand there all day. but he never comes. i'm carried up to my bed. tears bleed through my pillow. another year gone. another year older. another dress i'll burn in my memories.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

in your head...zombie...

two people in the last two days have told me i should see a counselor to help me deal with my issues. it's my move. stay and guard the back line. the last line of defense. or push forward, letting everything i've worked so hard to protect crumble to pieces. i can't tell the future. how do i know it'll turn out for the best? i spent my whole life placing bricks together, forming a wall. how long will it take to knock it down? when you open a flood gate, how do you undo it? how can i know that it won't all come crashing over me? sink or swim? i'm a fucking horrible swimmer. sink? cake or death? um...i'll have the cake, please. we're all out. so, my option is death? yes. i'll have the chicken instead. meat is murder. i'll never eat anything that had a face at one time. there isn't that much in it. i'll starve instead. death before conformity. you'll take me kicking and screaming. i'll never stop. i'll never give up. faith, hope and love. it's all you have in the end. well, faith gave me a tiny rope to walk on. tight rope walking in complete fog. reaching out for a safety net. it's filled with holes. no one noticed i was losing my balance. as i fell, one hand reached out. caught me just before i fell. no one knows what it's like, out there all alone. one hand gave me the strength to try again. i found the hope i'd lost. i remember what it was like to see tomorrow as a new chance. i'm ready to jump in. things are looking up. the only thing left is love. i can wait. good things come to those who wait. i'm jumping trains. wait till you see where i end up. just don't you try and stop me. it's a slippery slope, and i'm scared the whole way down. but nothing worth while ever comes easy. and no one realizes that telling me i can't do it makes me want it more. i drove home in tears today because a complete stranger told me i'm not good enough. that i should just settle. i've settled for too long. i'll fucking do whatever the hell i please. i've wasted so much time doing what everyone else told me to do. crying on the inside because i was taught never to show weakness. i feel pain, but don't know how to express it. i'm walking straight into fire and you're trying to be the victim? and i give in, because i'm sick of fighting. i'm too tired to let this go on. i want to scream so loud that my voice tears itself apart. i want to destroy you with every word that drips from my mouth. i'm sick of hating you. i'm sick of loving you. i'm ready to walk away and never come back. i'm ready to have a summer that never happened. i'll never tell another soul. i won't miss you when i disappear. i will not mourn the loss of kristin. she was nothing. and, slowly, i'm killing her. it's a new era. in the house of krisa with a leo moon. the sun is coming up and spring showers are falling. wash away the past. clean up for the future. it's time to move on.