Saturday, January 13, 2007
should i stay? or should i go?
it's amazing. i fought so hard to shake the feeling of isolation. seclusion. i held in tears just so i could stay sane for one more minute. refused to break down and sob, because i knew i'd never compose myself afterwards. i would cry until my eyes ran dry. until they shriveled up and fell out. i struggled so hard to stay afloat. and then, just like that, it was gone. i felt like i was gonna be okay again. i laughed for the first time in months. a real laugh. one that didn't bring tears of sadness. i had been surrounded in deep melancholy. i was gasping for breath just to make it through. i was walking in a forgotten field. encircled by fog. couldn't see my fingers before i jabbed myself in the eye. there was a coldness clamped around my heart. it froze me inside out. every step left black ice. no one saw it. but it was there. all of a sudden, the sun came out. a warm breeze melted the ice into rivers. flooding the land. replenish my earth. flowers poking their heads above the ground. turing to face the sky. but, without rain, the sun suffocates the flowers. they scorch and crumble. the grass burns. i found a savior. or so i thought. the so called savior was a traveling salesman. sold me sugar water. i long for the depression. i miss feeling. even if it was wrong. i knew where i stode. i know how i feel now. but it's not enough to keep me going. the canvas was there. propped up in front of me. i had the paint. i had the brush. i auctioned it all to get the eisle to hold the canvas. now i'm staring at an empty eisle. no canvas. no paint. not even a brush. i'm trying to paint with pencils. but they keep breaking. they say if i work hard enough, i'll find the paint. the brush. maybe even a canvas. not as good as the old one. but something will come along. i stand at a four way stop. east and west? or north and south? go east! no! north! everyone's shouting directions. i feel like it's the price is right. the right answer wins you a car! maybe even a vaction! i need a vacation from myself. i set myself up for disappointment. waiting for the non-exhistant father to show up for my fifth birthday party. i put on my little pink dress. my patent leather white mary janes. curls in my hair. and a pink bow to top it off. i stand in the entryway, smile plastered to my face. wait. wait. wait. i stand there all day. but he never comes. i'm carried up to my bed. tears bleed through my pillow. another year gone. another year older. another dress i'll burn in my memories.