Tuesday, January 09, 2007

in your head...zombie...

two people in the last two days have told me i should see a counselor to help me deal with my issues. it's my move. stay and guard the back line. the last line of defense. or push forward, letting everything i've worked so hard to protect crumble to pieces. i can't tell the future. how do i know it'll turn out for the best? i spent my whole life placing bricks together, forming a wall. how long will it take to knock it down? when you open a flood gate, how do you undo it? how can i know that it won't all come crashing over me? sink or swim? i'm a fucking horrible swimmer. sink? cake or death? um...i'll have the cake, please. we're all out. so, my option is death? yes. i'll have the chicken instead. meat is murder. i'll never eat anything that had a face at one time. there isn't that much in it. i'll starve instead. death before conformity. you'll take me kicking and screaming. i'll never stop. i'll never give up. faith, hope and love. it's all you have in the end. well, faith gave me a tiny rope to walk on. tight rope walking in complete fog. reaching out for a safety net. it's filled with holes. no one noticed i was losing my balance. as i fell, one hand reached out. caught me just before i fell. no one knows what it's like, out there all alone. one hand gave me the strength to try again. i found the hope i'd lost. i remember what it was like to see tomorrow as a new chance. i'm ready to jump in. things are looking up. the only thing left is love. i can wait. good things come to those who wait. i'm jumping trains. wait till you see where i end up. just don't you try and stop me. it's a slippery slope, and i'm scared the whole way down. but nothing worth while ever comes easy. and no one realizes that telling me i can't do it makes me want it more. i drove home in tears today because a complete stranger told me i'm not good enough. that i should just settle. i've settled for too long. i'll fucking do whatever the hell i please. i've wasted so much time doing what everyone else told me to do. crying on the inside because i was taught never to show weakness. i feel pain, but don't know how to express it. i'm walking straight into fire and you're trying to be the victim? and i give in, because i'm sick of fighting. i'm too tired to let this go on. i want to scream so loud that my voice tears itself apart. i want to destroy you with every word that drips from my mouth. i'm sick of hating you. i'm sick of loving you. i'm ready to walk away and never come back. i'm ready to have a summer that never happened. i'll never tell another soul. i won't miss you when i disappear. i will not mourn the loss of kristin. she was nothing. and, slowly, i'm killing her. it's a new era. in the house of krisa with a leo moon. the sun is coming up and spring showers are falling. wash away the past. clean up for the future. it's time to move on.

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