Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Run where you'll be safe through the garden gates to the shelter of magnolias

there's so much i can't say. my mind is a switchboard with a crack addicted eight year old running it. it won't slow down long enough for me to find something solid. i hate it here in this prison. i've been dragged to an open field and left for dead. nothing but agony for miles around. where's god when i need answers? where's mary when i need her most? where's an easy button? something. anything to give me a direction. but that map doesn't exist. even if it did, would i know how to read it? my eyes are heavy. but i won't sleep. i'll torture myself a little longer. i like the pain. i usually wish for more, just so i could have a reason to feel this way. cancer destroyed her. it ate at her until there was nothing left but a shell. i used to think that her purpose was me. she was a shooting star. make a wish before it burns out. it's gone before you ever realize it was there in the first place. i remember crying in the car because i was completly helpless without her. because i couldn't help her. i did nothing but watch her suffer. i am non-exhistant without her guiding me. sometimes, i wish and pray with everything i have that my headaches will turn out to be cancer. just like her's did. i want to go to the absolute brink of death. i want to look death in the face. i'm not afraid to die. death is nothing to fear. just don't let me die alone. it's my last request. i want to die. but not stay dead. i want to get in a horrible car accident. and die. just long enough to see her. i only want her and mary. no one else. i want them to tell me what to do. let me know i'll be something someday. someone told me i'd want to see my grandma. no. i want monica and mary. that's it. they're all i need. i'm holding on to one measley picture and a letter. that's all i have left of her. i don't even know where she rests. her face is starting to blur. i'm terrified to lose her. she's all i have. she's my spine. she holds me up when i have nothing else. she's the reason i keep moving on. and she's slipping away. i'm being dragged down under water. and she's being pulled into the boat. it's so cliche' but i really do think of her every day. it's almost an obsession. it's the only real thing i have anymore. it's the constant in my life. it's the sun rising over a war torn country. serenity in the middle of chaos. the world is spinning so fast. it's all new to me. but at the same time, it's always the same. i can't take much more of it. i just wish she was here to tell me what to do. show me how to stay strong. i just want to rage. i want to scream and kick and punch. there's nothing else to do. but the rage has to be reigned. check that temper. if anyone really knew what it could do, they'd hate you. it would push them away. like a dagger to the throat. taste the cold metalic blood as it trickles down your chest. the dreams are back. dreams of spiders crawling everywhere. the more i struggle to get away from them, the more i find. until i can't breathe. i dreamt of my father. i'm only getting flashes now. god, i wish i could remember something. it's an affair. i just know it is. or maybe that's just my mind wanting a reason to hate him for some unknown reason. he shook me once. i was so afraid. weakness took over. i cried. it's just a flash. but it's one of the strongest memories i have of him. that fear. when he slammed through the door, i felt evil grasp me. i couldn't fight back. i was so small. i was a child. i'll never trust him. i still flinch when he yells. communication doesn't exhist here anymore. maybe it never did. she refuses to see the problem. he's just not there. it's me and her. my graduation picture is her and i, side by side. he pokes his head up from behind. completly forgotten. every once in a while, he reminds me that he's not the complete monster i have thought him up to be. he's still my dad. emotional unavailability or not. but he's not romie. no one can ever be romie. he introduced me to music. helped me learn to catch a ball. to add a spiral onto my passes. he held me when i cried. i sobbed into his chest, and i knew what it was like to be safe. he's the only reason i'll ever come back here. if i ever come back. i never want to see this city again. i want to drive away. sell off my past. and never look back. one city blanketed in sadness. wake up and push off the covers. it's a new day. and i'm a new person. i'll have a new life soon. someone once said you can't go home again. i can't even find a home. there's a sneaking suspicion that home won't be a place, but a person. maybe monica was my home. and now she's gone. i'll spend the rest of my days wandering. walk walk walk until i find a temporary place to lay my head. i'll kick anyone and everyone out of my bed. sleep is too intimate. there's no filter. it's the most exposed a person will ever be. i never want you to see me for what i really am.


nicky said...

easy buttons only exist in office supply store commercials, my love.

nicky said...

i remember you saying that when we were at coldplay and they played til kingdom come, and it was you, valerie, and me, and you were just so happy and you felt like monica had given you that moment. i think it's clear that monica is still with you and loves you, and what she did for you changed your life. i know you're going through a really hard time right now, and i think it's important that you take the things you learned from her and put them to use. for the past couple of years, i've been thinking about how i treat the memories i have of my mom. are my memories just the memories of an eight-year old who didn't realize how real cancer was, wasn't able to hold her mom below anything but saintly status, and was oblivious to details? are they the idolatries of a twenty-two year old who's still trying her best to hold on to all the good that she felt when her mom was alive? like you, i feel like she's becoming blurry, and that scares the shit out of me, but i know that depending on her to guide me wasn't healthy. i now know that everything she ever taught me, everything i learned as a kid, everything i practice as an adult, is a part of me. the only place you're going to find what you need is within you. the only person you can depend on is yourself. after that, just hope for the best. like i told you before, you're way braver than you think, and i know that you can stand on your own two feet. you're already taking the necessary steps, and i'm seriously so proud of you for doing all of this on your own, even though important people in your life aren't supporting you. i say this with all the honesty in my heart that i know you're going to find what you need.