merry christmas...i could care less...

it's six hours away..six seems to be the magic number this year for me...it's been six years...six years since you left. six stars for six years. i'm twenty-two now. so were you. by the time it's done, i'll have twenty-two stars for you. twenty-two stars to save the souls of the lost. maybe one of those stars will save me. maybe one already has. when the blessed mother reveals herself, she'll have a star on her tummy. where will my star be? one star saved us all. that's what we're told. and sometimes, i believe it. it's a wonderful life. sometimes i believe that too. everything seems so pure in black and white. jimmy stewart holds the key to happiness. we're parallel lines. happiness is a drink served warm. hand me a mug, i'm parched. what is it you want, mary? you want the moon? why don't you kiss her instead of talking her to death? kiss me and i'll give you the moon. maybe tomorrow. it's all a thread. it's breaking. i'm hanging on for just a moment longer. don't let go yet, broken angel a million miles away. i'm with you. if i can hang on for just a bit longer, so can you. we'll hang on to each other. the world is spinning and we're flying off. grab my hand. we can save each other. i'm ready to be saved. i'll give you a star. second star to the right, and straight on till morning. i'll give you a star if you give me the moon. forget the moon, i'll give you whatever you want. just don't let go of me. don't leave me alone. i want a boy who can breath life into my soul. let my tears flow onto your shoulder until there are none left. give me the strength to be vulnerable. i don't want to hold myself up anymore. i want someone who will take care of me. remind me that it'll all be ok. cause we're together and that's all that matters. it's all we need. all i want for christmas is to know that you'll be here when i wake up. we're sleeping in separate beds in separate cities. where ever you are, i'm sleeping next to you. i'll dream of your arms around me while i sleep. feel your chest rising and falling with each beautiful breath you take. merry christmas baby. i'll be right here when you wake up.

so i'm waiting for this test to end...

i don't know what to say anymore...it's all been said...i've spilled my heart onto this floor. and i can't do it anymore..i'd bleed myself dry just to die in your arms..my eyes hurt from all the tears that i'm not releasing. i'll hold it in, until i implode. suffocate on these emotions. i don't even know where they come from anymore..i can't get hold of anything. there's nothing to grasp. it hits me like rain. perfectly sunny to drenched in less than 60 seconds. the clouds open up...and i find myself crying inside the laughs..maybe this is how i'm supposed to be. you can't write unless you got a pen..right? i'll hold this pen and run the ink out. all over this page. until all there is is black..pure black ink. it swims and swirls and i'm catching smoke. i just want to hide in the darkness and not come out. "there's some good left in the world." and i believe it. just wish i could feel it. or, maybe i don't. i guess i need this. i'm taking pain medication to stop the feeling. and it's working. but what can i do to feel just not...feel..you know? who can really know what i'm talking about anymore. i don't even understand half the stuff that pushes through these rough fingers i carry. i sleep all the time now. it's all i want to do...i grow nastalgic for the good 'ole days. and i wish things could have been different..i want to go back and change nearly everything. i'm looking at the stars wondering if you're looking at the same one. the spirit of the season is cold isolation. and i'm isolating myself more and more. it's a drug. i can't stop. i avoid the things i know i should emerse myself in. i'm so cut off from everything i cherish. and i'm doing it to myself...i'm like a prisoner of war. lock me in this cage and soon enough you'll see my insanity. i'll tear off these sleeves and show you my veins. am i even alive anymore? it's all a false show. i'm playing the role i've been trained to play. i'm a monkey riding a bicycle. round and round she goes...where she stops..who will ever know? when will it stop? i used to have hope. true, unfiltered hope. now, it's all short term. i wish for things, and i get them. and it matters none. because it can't make you happy. you can't take it with you. but the things that make me happy have a tendency to scare the devil out of me. look underneath my skin. peek inside my chest. is that heart and soul really as black as it feels? december is distroying me. and i'm letting it. i'll give in and sleep it off. maybe the new year will bring something..a change of winds. remind me what it's like to smile. cause my face is frozen in the drama mask. comedy and drama. it's one or the other. and i'm choosing pain. maybe it'll expose the realness i carry locked away behind my spine. maybe all this time, the happiness was just a play. i've been running lines for years. smile here. stage left. speak louder. the audience needs to connect. pretend it's all ok. the show must go on. break a leg. maybe a heart. don't miss your cue. it's all a joke. they'll never know you're crying salt into your veins. i'm holding my breath till i see spots. show me salvation. cause all i see is failure. spin me around and send me on my way. i stumble when i walk. it's all i have now. i'm just too tired anymore. i'll lay down under a porch just to get some shut-eye. five fucking minutes and i'm on my way. i'll make a thousand enemies just to keep one friend. i'm afraid of wasting it all. just wish i could get that jolt. send me into action. show me mary. i want some answers. will things get better? but they always get worse before the goodness comes. i'll be right here. send the bad. i'll swallow it whole and breathe out butterflies.

till kingdom come

for you i'd wait. till kindgom come. i felt those words flow through my veins. it bleeds from my mouth, like the air i breathe. i saw you looking down on me, and i know you're there. you are with me always. i carry you like a ring on my finger. i'm married to the dream of the person you thought i would become. but i'd give it all up to go back and rebuild the past. there are so many things i wish i'd said. i wish i could tell you how much you saved me. come back and save me more. you were the compass to my map. without you, i'm lost. i'm walking in circles and the sun is going down. i'll look into the stars and see my god. my heart has gone cold. it can't break no more. it's sugarglass. shattered in the hallway of life. don't look down. just step around it and pretend it's not there. i miss the strength you showed me. be my razorblade. i'll be your cutter. bleed me dry when the sorrow comes swift. you had faith in yourself. faith in me. you saw me, not for who i was. but who i could be. the tears flow like fire down my cheeks and i know you feel it too. are you still guiding me? teaching me? giving me the strength to push on? i left that world behind. it was just too hard without you there. i'd fight my way back in if it meant you'd turn around and give me something to hang on to. the waves crash on my feet and i'm falling fast. is this what if felt like to see the melody? i was a child jumping to your footprints. the sand is washed away. i'm left standing on cold rock. cut my feet open like the wounds you endured. i'm looking for a reason to speak. something to make my heart beat. my pulse stopped when you left. and nothing makes sense anymore. the frigid air of the end bites at my skin. i would live an eternity if i could find where you've gone. don't go. just say you'll wait. you'll wait for me.

teddy bears

they sit there together, but so alone they are. cold and forgotten, like many others before them. the child who once cherished them, has no time for him or her. they know her dreams, they know her wishes. they've even watched her do the dishes. but she cares not for them, nor dreams or wishes. but still she knows when she needs them most, they'll always be there. friends for now, friends forever. teddy bears will forget her never.

what lies ahead?

i'm almost to the gates now. what is this place i see? i try to cry out for help, but nothing comes out of me. someone, oh someone, won't you hear my cries? the gates have opened, i see this with my own eyes. dead bodies all around, will this be my destiny? i look around at all the horrified faces, they're all just like me, cramed in small spaces.

disillusioned

i'm so afraid to leave you. i'm so afraid to stay. the future is a shadow locked in an antique box. that past is the key to unlock the secrets. tears are falling as the isolation builds. angry at you for saying what i dare not to. rows of corn shroud my disillusioned ideas. confusion sets in. heart sets fire until i'm consumed in smoke and ask. you reach for water. want to put me out. but you're too late. i'm gone. are you still here? cause you're all that i've got.

i'm sorry

i saw her face. i saw the tears. i knew you were gone. after suffering for two years. i wish i could let ou know, you changed my life like no one ever could. bet you always knew we'd turn out pretty good. i have your picture in my room. it's a constant reminder that someone once cared. i'm sorry i broke my promise. i wanna take back the past. i could do it over again. maybe i wouldn't regret what i felt. i wish i could let you know, you changed my life like no one ever could. bet you always knew we'd turn out pretty good.

settle down

i settled for you because i couldn't have him. how stupid was i? look at what a fool i've been. i gave you the shot that i never had. to be with the one that's out of your league. don't fall for me, cause i'll never love you. your just my distraction to get him out of view. now, you've done it, you fell for me. i broke your heart. how tragic love can be. i made you cry. you pushed me down. i hate your guts. how does that sound? and you think it's fun to piss me off. and bully me around. but you still want to know why we didn't last? you bored me to death. the words, "pansy ass moma's boy" come to mind. and you think you've changed. that you're hard core. but i see through that. you're still the same wimpering baby. that's right, cry to your mommy. cause i don't need your shit. couldn't deal with it when i was with you. won't put up with it now. you think you're so great. you re-awakened your religion. well guess what? you did nothing for me. i knew myself. and you got mad, cause i knew you too.

mean cycle

he thinks he's so cool. got a comeback for everything. lookin' good in his baggy blue jeans. but he's just a jerk. he uses you. take a breath. it's hard to release. look into his eyes. did they swallow you too? you think you need him. i thought that too. don't fool yourself. it's not you he wants. just like you, he wants the one he'll never have. it's almost funny. the way we are. one guy wants you. he'll never get you. you want his best friend. that'll never happen. he's got his sights on the pretty girl who doesn't know he exhists. and it's a mean cycle. they call it love. you win some. you lose most. but hey, that's life. now he's listening to this. he wonders if i'm talking about him. guess what, i am. because even though i hate him, he was my past. and the funny thing is, i hate him because he never loved me back. but how many guys are saying the same thing about me? why does love suck? we can't find no one to love. or maybe we can. but they're not the one we want. and they will chase us until they realize we'll never be more than friends. and just like i hate him, they'll hate me. because i was the best they never had.

summer's with you

you climbed in my trunk after we went fountain hopping. i stole a sign. and put it in your yard. we played spoons. and ate ice cream. after i got home i talked to you on aim about all the stuff we did. and all the things we didn't get to. i'll look back and smile when i think about summer's with you. i died your hair pink. you made me an egg sandwhich. we pulled a double feature. and then sang spice girls songs all the way home. strip club barbie, need i say more? crazy lady's house. screaming game scares old people. let's go to target. tarot readings and porn star shoes. i'll never forget why "i hate fucking sleepovers!" fountain tag and imaginary tennis. there's pictures to prove it. ouija boards and line tag. followed by your sarcasm, or was it mine? we ate chipotle and made harry potter pornos. we didn't get to the ultimate slip'n slide but, hey, there's always next summer.

kid

don't have a job. you're so immature. watch cartoons all day. saturday morning's the best. no responsibility. you're going through a phase. tonka trucks and barbie dolls. future's so far away. you're just a kid. he-man's on your underwear. don't wanna take a nap. can't find your juicebox anywhere. wearing mom's high heels. kool-aid mustache on your face. found a dollar in the couch. spend it on a lego set. melted crayons in the vents of mom's new min-van. cause your just a kid. he-man's on your underwear. don't wanna take a nap. can't find your juicebox anywhere.

could've done better.

you saunter up to me. and i die. i loved you so much. i would've done anything for you. but now you're back. and i don't need you. you were bad for me. you hurt me too much. i could've done better. but you engulfed me. and killed me. i was suffocating for you. all for you. but you never cared. slowly, i died. and you left me there. i hated you so much. love don't conquer all. you made me feel worthless. like a sheet of notebook paper. worthless. i took my last breath. as i went under. where were you? but now i think back on the good times we had. i needed to love you. and now i need to let you go. so leave my mind. and exit my heart. i see you've moved on. to a new innocent soul. i saw you flirt. did you chase her too? she'll go with you. into the fiery pits of hell and back. and there she'll die. you'll leave her on the cold, rigid ground. and you'll slink away. like the coward you are. and she'll forget you. just like i did. forgotten. because you were bad for me. you hurt me too much. i could've done better. but you engulfed me and killed me.

constant stream of thought...

i need to know i'm not alone. i need to know that someone still cares. nothings how it was supposed to be. not how i planned. i wish i didn't feel so bad. i don't know why i do. why i can't ever be happy. i just need to know i'm not alone. the tears come. i can't make them stop. it's a release i need. but what caused it? why can't i be happy? someone once cared. but now she's gone. am i alone? please say i'm not. tell me it'll be okay. the pain will end. i always wish for happiness. yet it never stays long. please tell me i'm destined for something greater than this. i'm alone and no one can help me. i'm a wreck and no one cares. you'll never know how much i love you. how much i miss you. i just need you here. take my hand and hold me tight. never let me go. let's fly away to never never land. we'll never grow up. we'll never remember the pain. i'll always love you. you haunt my steps. i'll never be rid of you. and i don't mind. you were the best i never had. it's sacred. i hate you more than you'll never know. you're irresponsible and inconsiterate. you won't let me hate you. you won't let me love you. i'm losing my mind. who's here to let me know it'll be ok? they hate me for the one thing that could make it alright. i'm a person too. i can't do it on my own. i am losing control. i never knew it could be like this. never knew i'd be so unhappy. i lost sight of myself. lost sight of my dreams. you'll never except me. i'll never measure up. i need to freak out. do something stupid. i can't breathe. i need to know i'm not alone.

i'm just gonna post a bunch of random things i've written...

"it's alright"
i'm so young
i feel so old
i miss your eyes
out in this cold
it's alright
nothing's wrong
can't be alright
to hurt so long
i'll love you on
until the night
when i find you there
trapped in her sights
i'll hate you now
i'll burn you down
it's alright
nothings wrong
can't feel alright
it hurts me wrong
nothing's right
i see all wrong
i'll catch my breath
at the first light of dawn
i'm locked up tight
uptight in this box
my body's empty
i killed you too
and if they ask
i'll tell them this
it's alright
nothing's wrong
can't be alright
i hurt too long
you hurt so long
the hurt all along
it's alright
to hurt this long
it's alright
it's alright
it's alright
it's alright now.