Sunday, March 11, 2007

the sun was never cold.

wish i had something to say to you to make it all seem alright...i'm at a loss...i've got $7 dollars in my bank account...i'm nearly out of gas...and i'm homesick for a home that i can't find. i wish i knew we would be ok..that things would get better..but, right now...i don't know anything. i can see the veins in my fingers glowing green. my hands are cold. and my heart is cold. and my soul is cold. it rained here this morning. and i wish it was still raining. i wish it would rain forever. i just want to close my eyes and sleep it all away. i'm turning my ipod up louder and louder to block out the world. i'm a con artist. i'm selling lies..and they're buying them like it's oxygen. but i'm the most genuine con artist you'll ever meet. i'm the heartbreaker with the broken heart. i swear he felt my heart dying. i'm numb...and i hate that more than i hate the depression. at least when i was depressed, i knew how i felt....i don't know...i have no feelings..i feel dead inside. i'm sure i'll be fine tomorrow. and so will you. we'll be fine, because.i don't know..we just have to be ok. we will be.

Monday, March 05, 2007

and now, it's all the same to me...

my mind wants to do so much. but i'm so tired. i want to jump in the car and find a tattoo parlour. get that phoenix. it's time to be reborn. i've been through too much. i just can't take this anymore. they're giving me more meds and uping the one's i'm already on just to keep me from going out of my head. it shouldn't be like this. it's always something. why isn't it ever something good? something that lasts. i'm spending money like it's gonna save me. i had to become completly histarical for her to realize i really do have a problem. i hear the fear in her voice. she's scared i'm going to do something drastic. like kill myself. not this time. i won't give them the satisfaction. i won't let them break me. how can i prove everyone wrong when i'm dead? i'm too damn stubborn for my own good. there's so many things i wish i could say. i'm dreaming of pirate ships. in the middle of the ocean. the wind picks up. before i know what's happening, the ship capsizes. but i'm the only one afraid. the only one who knows how bad it is. i'm struggling to stay above water while everyone else is practicing their breaststrokes. i'm dreaming of five sons and not a father in sight. the storm scares them, and i can't help them. i'm yelling and trying everything i can to make it okay. but nothing works. the planes fly over and i think we'll get bombed. what can you do when you're out of hope? you're gonna have to hold on. i will always go beside you. you will always understand.

so long and goodnight..

sobbing my eyes out because it's all i have the strength to do anymore. i'm losing my mind and i know it. i'm powerless to stop it. i'm an innocent passer-by watching myself get hit by a car. i'm screaming as loud as i can. but no one hears me. one day soon, you'll never be able to get me out of your head. i'll make sure of that. i said if i killed you, it wouldn't be wrong because you deserve it. and i know i'm right. they told me to up my meds so i could get through the weekend without a mental breakdown. see the doctors on monday. the thing is, i wasn't like this before you. you say you like me. you're lying through your fucking gap-tooth. you're out to destroy me, and sometimes, i think you might. and maybe i don't care so much. someone once wrote that they thought if they ran their car into a tree, their death would look like an accident. i'm in the car and it's all i can think of. i don't want to die yet. i just want to have some time to...i don't really know. i just want time. seems to me, you want all the time you can get from me. suck me dry. i'll shrivel up like a raisen. this wasn't how it was supposed to be. i'm dying in the sun. i like the moon better. it casts the shadow i'm already painting. my nails are black and my hair is swoopy and in my eye and i wish i could stay that way. i don't want to clean up for you. i want to live in hoodies and jeans and flats. and i want you to fear me and idolize me all at once. i want to cover my skin in ink to cover the scars i'm ignoring. wash away my sadness. replace with power and fire. i must go on standing. it's not my choice. there's always a choice. i could fall, but what's the point? i'd just have to pick myself up again. who controls the key? the lock is broken. open the door to me. there's so much i need to show you. i want to bear my soul to you, but at the same time, i'm terrified of what you must think of me. the truth will set you free. lies will pull you down and destroy you. i'm a walking lie. little white lie turns into earth shattering revelation. i want a boy with broken lips and a broken heart. finish breaking me. and we will be broken together.

Thursday, March 01, 2007


driving across the bridge...i think i could drive off the edge...and i might. i'm sobbing now, and i can't make it stop. cry me a river? no, i'll cry you an ocean. i don't even know if i believe in arch angels, but i'm praying to them to protect me. i'm losing my mind and all i want to do is cry myself to sleep. where is the burning? i want the rage to kick in. let it burn me up inside. i want you to see just how far you've pushed me. i want to stop cowering in the corner, praying you'll get hit by a bus. and, yes, i really do want you to die a horrible death. you walk up to me and smile. you're pushing me over the edge and smiling the whole time. and the worst thing is, you know it. you'll do everything in your power to get rid of me. oh god i want to hear you say..i want to hear you say that i'm so much better than you. and i'll write a song about you. i'll sing it every night. i'll scream my hatred for you until my lungs bleed. somewhere, you'll be choking on every last thought i'll shove down your throat. nail your coffin shut. i'll set fire to your body and let the maggats take the leftovers. you're nothing. and i'll remind you of that every god damn day of my life. revenge is best served hot. fresh from the oven. watch your skin melt from all the revenge i'll serve you. don't you wish you were me? i'm consumed in flames. i breathe them in. take a deep breath. you'll choke on the smoke. you'll never be able to handle it. it will destroy you. i thrive on it. it's the only tool i can use. i'll see you in hell. i'll be the one wearing flames like skin. watch me burn. and i'll rise.