merry christmas...i could care less...

it's six hours away..six seems to be the magic number this year for me...it's been six years...six years since you left. six stars for six years. i'm twenty-two now. so were you. by the time it's done, i'll have twenty-two stars for you. twenty-two stars to save the souls of the lost. maybe one of those stars will save me. maybe one already has. when the blessed mother reveals herself, she'll have a star on her tummy. where will my star be? one star saved us all. that's what we're told. and sometimes, i believe it. it's a wonderful life. sometimes i believe that too. everything seems so pure in black and white. jimmy stewart holds the key to happiness. we're parallel lines. happiness is a drink served warm. hand me a mug, i'm parched. what is it you want, mary? you want the moon? why don't you kiss her instead of talking her to death? kiss me and i'll give you the moon. maybe tomorrow. it's all a thread. it's breaking. i'm hanging on for just a moment longer. don't let go yet, broken angel a million miles away. i'm with you. if i can hang on for just a bit longer, so can you. we'll hang on to each other. the world is spinning and we're flying off. grab my hand. we can save each other. i'm ready to be saved. i'll give you a star. second star to the right, and straight on till morning. i'll give you a star if you give me the moon. forget the moon, i'll give you whatever you want. just don't let go of me. don't leave me alone. i want a boy who can breath life into my soul. let my tears flow onto your shoulder until there are none left. give me the strength to be vulnerable. i don't want to hold myself up anymore. i want someone who will take care of me. remind me that it'll all be ok. cause we're together and that's all that matters. it's all we need. all i want for christmas is to know that you'll be here when i wake up. we're sleeping in separate beds in separate cities. where ever you are, i'm sleeping next to you. i'll dream of your arms around me while i sleep. feel your chest rising and falling with each beautiful breath you take. merry christmas baby. i'll be right here when you wake up.

so i'm waiting for this test to end...

i don't know what to say anymore...it's all been said...i've spilled my heart onto this floor. and i can't do it anymore..i'd bleed myself dry just to die in your arms..my eyes hurt from all the tears that i'm not releasing. i'll hold it in, until i implode. suffocate on these emotions. i don't even know where they come from anymore..i can't get hold of anything. there's nothing to grasp. it hits me like rain. perfectly sunny to drenched in less than 60 seconds. the clouds open up...and i find myself crying inside the laughs..maybe this is how i'm supposed to be. you can't write unless you got a pen..right? i'll hold this pen and run the ink out. all over this page. until all there is is black..pure black ink. it swims and swirls and i'm catching smoke. i just want to hide in the darkness and not come out. "there's some good left in the world." and i believe it. just wish i could feel it. or, maybe i don't. i guess i need this. i'm taking pain medication to stop the feeling. and it's working. but what can i do to feel just not...feel..you know? who can really know what i'm talking about anymore. i don't even understand half the stuff that pushes through these rough fingers i carry. i sleep all the time now. it's all i want to do...i grow nastalgic for the good 'ole days. and i wish things could have been different..i want to go back and change nearly everything. i'm looking at the stars wondering if you're looking at the same one. the spirit of the season is cold isolation. and i'm isolating myself more and more. it's a drug. i can't stop. i avoid the things i know i should emerse myself in. i'm so cut off from everything i cherish. and i'm doing it to myself...i'm like a prisoner of war. lock me in this cage and soon enough you'll see my insanity. i'll tear off these sleeves and show you my veins. am i even alive anymore? it's all a false show. i'm playing the role i've been trained to play. i'm a monkey riding a bicycle. round and round she goes...where she stops..who will ever know? when will it stop? i used to have hope. true, unfiltered hope. now, it's all short term. i wish for things, and i get them. and it matters none. because it can't make you happy. you can't take it with you. but the things that make me happy have a tendency to scare the devil out of me. look underneath my skin. peek inside my chest. is that heart and soul really as black as it feels? december is distroying me. and i'm letting it. i'll give in and sleep it off. maybe the new year will bring something..a change of winds. remind me what it's like to smile. cause my face is frozen in the drama mask. comedy and drama. it's one or the other. and i'm choosing pain. maybe it'll expose the realness i carry locked away behind my spine. maybe all this time, the happiness was just a play. i've been running lines for years. smile here. stage left. speak louder. the audience needs to connect. pretend it's all ok. the show must go on. break a leg. maybe a heart. don't miss your cue. it's all a joke. they'll never know you're crying salt into your veins. i'm holding my breath till i see spots. show me salvation. cause all i see is failure. spin me around and send me on my way. i stumble when i walk. it's all i have now. i'm just too tired anymore. i'll lay down under a porch just to get some shut-eye. five fucking minutes and i'm on my way. i'll make a thousand enemies just to keep one friend. i'm afraid of wasting it all. just wish i could get that jolt. send me into action. show me mary. i want some answers. will things get better? but they always get worse before the goodness comes. i'll be right here. send the bad. i'll swallow it whole and breathe out butterflies.

till kingdom come

for you i'd wait. till kindgom come. i felt those words flow through my veins. it bleeds from my mouth, like the air i breathe. i saw you looking down on me, and i know you're there. you are with me always. i carry you like a ring on my finger. i'm married to the dream of the person you thought i would become. but i'd give it all up to go back and rebuild the past. there are so many things i wish i'd said. i wish i could tell you how much you saved me. come back and save me more. you were the compass to my map. without you, i'm lost. i'm walking in circles and the sun is going down. i'll look into the stars and see my god. my heart has gone cold. it can't break no more. it's sugarglass. shattered in the hallway of life. don't look down. just step around it and pretend it's not there. i miss the strength you showed me. be my razorblade. i'll be your cutter. bleed me dry when the sorrow comes swift. you had faith in yourself. faith in me. you saw me, not for who i was. but who i could be. the tears flow like fire down my cheeks and i know you feel it too. are you still guiding me? teaching me? giving me the strength to push on? i left that world behind. it was just too hard without you there. i'd fight my way back in if it meant you'd turn around and give me something to hang on to. the waves crash on my feet and i'm falling fast. is this what if felt like to see the melody? i was a child jumping to your footprints. the sand is washed away. i'm left standing on cold rock. cut my feet open like the wounds you endured. i'm looking for a reason to speak. something to make my heart beat. my pulse stopped when you left. and nothing makes sense anymore. the frigid air of the end bites at my skin. i would live an eternity if i could find where you've gone. don't go. just say you'll wait. you'll wait for me.