Friday, December 15, 2006

so i'm waiting for this test to end...

i don't know what to say anymore...it's all been said...i've spilled my heart onto this floor. and i can't do it anymore..i'd bleed myself dry just to die in your arms..my eyes hurt from all the tears that i'm not releasing. i'll hold it in, until i implode. suffocate on these emotions. i don't even know where they come from anymore..i can't get hold of anything. there's nothing to grasp. it hits me like rain. perfectly sunny to drenched in less than 60 seconds. the clouds open up...and i find myself crying inside the laughs..maybe this is how i'm supposed to be. you can't write unless you got a pen..right? i'll hold this pen and run the ink out. all over this page. until all there is is black..pure black ink. it swims and swirls and i'm catching smoke. i just want to hide in the darkness and not come out. "there's some good left in the world." and i believe it. just wish i could feel it. or, maybe i don't. i guess i need this. i'm taking pain medication to stop the feeling. and it's working. but what can i do to feel just not...feel..you know? who can really know what i'm talking about anymore. i don't even understand half the stuff that pushes through these rough fingers i carry. i sleep all the time now. it's all i want to do...i grow nastalgic for the good 'ole days. and i wish things could have been different..i want to go back and change nearly everything. i'm looking at the stars wondering if you're looking at the same one. the spirit of the season is cold isolation. and i'm isolating myself more and more. it's a drug. i can't stop. i avoid the things i know i should emerse myself in. i'm so cut off from everything i cherish. and i'm doing it to myself...i'm like a prisoner of war. lock me in this cage and soon enough you'll see my insanity. i'll tear off these sleeves and show you my veins. am i even alive anymore? it's all a false show. i'm playing the role i've been trained to play. i'm a monkey riding a bicycle. round and round she goes...where she stops..who will ever know? when will it stop? i used to have hope. true, unfiltered hope. now, it's all short term. i wish for things, and i get them. and it matters none. because it can't make you happy. you can't take it with you. but the things that make me happy have a tendency to scare the devil out of me. look underneath my skin. peek inside my chest. is that heart and soul really as black as it feels? december is distroying me. and i'm letting it. i'll give in and sleep it off. maybe the new year will bring something..a change of winds. remind me what it's like to smile. cause my face is frozen in the drama mask. comedy and drama. it's one or the other. and i'm choosing pain. maybe it'll expose the realness i carry locked away behind my spine. maybe all this time, the happiness was just a play. i've been running lines for years. smile here. stage left. speak louder. the audience needs to connect. pretend it's all ok. the show must go on. break a leg. maybe a heart. don't miss your cue. it's all a joke. they'll never know you're crying salt into your veins. i'm holding my breath till i see spots. show me salvation. cause all i see is failure. spin me around and send me on my way. i stumble when i walk. it's all i have now. i'm just too tired anymore. i'll lay down under a porch just to get some shut-eye. five fucking minutes and i'm on my way. i'll make a thousand enemies just to keep one friend. i'm afraid of wasting it all. just wish i could get that jolt. send me into action. show me mary. i want some answers. will things get better? but they always get worse before the goodness comes. i'll be right here. send the bad. i'll swallow it whole and breathe out butterflies.

3 comments:

K. said...

that was really well written, really beautiful.

Askinstoo said...
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Askinstoo said...
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