Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Run where you'll be safe through the garden gates to the shelter of magnolias

there's so much i can't say. my mind is a switchboard with a crack addicted eight year old running it. it won't slow down long enough for me to find something solid. i hate it here in this prison. i've been dragged to an open field and left for dead. nothing but agony for miles around. where's god when i need answers? where's mary when i need her most? where's an easy button? something. anything to give me a direction. but that map doesn't exist. even if it did, would i know how to read it? my eyes are heavy. but i won't sleep. i'll torture myself a little longer. i like the pain. i usually wish for more, just so i could have a reason to feel this way. cancer destroyed her. it ate at her until there was nothing left but a shell. i used to think that her purpose was me. she was a shooting star. make a wish before it burns out. it's gone before you ever realize it was there in the first place. i remember crying in the car because i was completly helpless without her. because i couldn't help her. i did nothing but watch her suffer. i am non-exhistant without her guiding me. sometimes, i wish and pray with everything i have that my headaches will turn out to be cancer. just like her's did. i want to go to the absolute brink of death. i want to look death in the face. i'm not afraid to die. death is nothing to fear. just don't let me die alone. it's my last request. i want to die. but not stay dead. i want to get in a horrible car accident. and die. just long enough to see her. i only want her and mary. no one else. i want them to tell me what to do. let me know i'll be something someday. someone told me i'd want to see my grandma. no. i want monica and mary. that's it. they're all i need. i'm holding on to one measley picture and a letter. that's all i have left of her. i don't even know where she rests. her face is starting to blur. i'm terrified to lose her. she's all i have. she's my spine. she holds me up when i have nothing else. she's the reason i keep moving on. and she's slipping away. i'm being dragged down under water. and she's being pulled into the boat. it's so cliche' but i really do think of her every day. it's almost an obsession. it's the only real thing i have anymore. it's the constant in my life. it's the sun rising over a war torn country. serenity in the middle of chaos. the world is spinning so fast. it's all new to me. but at the same time, it's always the same. i can't take much more of it. i just wish she was here to tell me what to do. show me how to stay strong. i just want to rage. i want to scream and kick and punch. there's nothing else to do. but the rage has to be reigned. check that temper. if anyone really knew what it could do, they'd hate you. it would push them away. like a dagger to the throat. taste the cold metalic blood as it trickles down your chest. the dreams are back. dreams of spiders crawling everywhere. the more i struggle to get away from them, the more i find. until i can't breathe. i dreamt of my father. i'm only getting flashes now. god, i wish i could remember something. it's an affair. i just know it is. or maybe that's just my mind wanting a reason to hate him for some unknown reason. he shook me once. i was so afraid. weakness took over. i cried. it's just a flash. but it's one of the strongest memories i have of him. that fear. when he slammed through the door, i felt evil grasp me. i couldn't fight back. i was so small. i was a child. i'll never trust him. i still flinch when he yells. communication doesn't exhist here anymore. maybe it never did. she refuses to see the problem. he's just not there. it's me and her. my graduation picture is her and i, side by side. he pokes his head up from behind. completly forgotten. every once in a while, he reminds me that he's not the complete monster i have thought him up to be. he's still my dad. emotional unavailability or not. but he's not romie. no one can ever be romie. he introduced me to music. helped me learn to catch a ball. to add a spiral onto my passes. he held me when i cried. i sobbed into his chest, and i knew what it was like to be safe. he's the only reason i'll ever come back here. if i ever come back. i never want to see this city again. i want to drive away. sell off my past. and never look back. one city blanketed in sadness. wake up and push off the covers. it's a new day. and i'm a new person. i'll have a new life soon. someone once said you can't go home again. i can't even find a home. there's a sneaking suspicion that home won't be a place, but a person. maybe monica was my home. and now she's gone. i'll spend the rest of my days wandering. walk walk walk until i find a temporary place to lay my head. i'll kick anyone and everyone out of my bed. sleep is too intimate. there's no filter. it's the most exposed a person will ever be. i never want you to see me for what i really am.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

should i stay? or should i go?

it's amazing. i fought so hard to shake the feeling of isolation. seclusion. i held in tears just so i could stay sane for one more minute. refused to break down and sob, because i knew i'd never compose myself afterwards. i would cry until my eyes ran dry. until they shriveled up and fell out. i struggled so hard to stay afloat. and then, just like that, it was gone. i felt like i was gonna be okay again. i laughed for the first time in months. a real laugh. one that didn't bring tears of sadness. i had been surrounded in deep melancholy. i was gasping for breath just to make it through. i was walking in a forgotten field. encircled by fog. couldn't see my fingers before i jabbed myself in the eye. there was a coldness clamped around my heart. it froze me inside out. every step left black ice. no one saw it. but it was there. all of a sudden, the sun came out. a warm breeze melted the ice into rivers. flooding the land. replenish my earth. flowers poking their heads above the ground. turing to face the sky. but, without rain, the sun suffocates the flowers. they scorch and crumble. the grass burns. i found a savior. or so i thought. the so called savior was a traveling salesman. sold me sugar water. i long for the depression. i miss feeling. even if it was wrong. i knew where i stode. i know how i feel now. but it's not enough to keep me going. the canvas was there. propped up in front of me. i had the paint. i had the brush. i auctioned it all to get the eisle to hold the canvas. now i'm staring at an empty eisle. no canvas. no paint. not even a brush. i'm trying to paint with pencils. but they keep breaking. they say if i work hard enough, i'll find the paint. the brush. maybe even a canvas. not as good as the old one. but something will come along. i stand at a four way stop. east and west? or north and south? go east! no! north! everyone's shouting directions. i feel like it's the price is right. the right answer wins you a car! maybe even a vaction! i need a vacation from myself. i set myself up for disappointment. waiting for the non-exhistant father to show up for my fifth birthday party. i put on my little pink dress. my patent leather white mary janes. curls in my hair. and a pink bow to top it off. i stand in the entryway, smile plastered to my face. wait. wait. wait. i stand there all day. but he never comes. i'm carried up to my bed. tears bleed through my pillow. another year gone. another year older. another dress i'll burn in my memories.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

in your head...zombie...

two people in the last two days have told me i should see a counselor to help me deal with my issues. it's my move. stay and guard the back line. the last line of defense. or push forward, letting everything i've worked so hard to protect crumble to pieces. i can't tell the future. how do i know it'll turn out for the best? i spent my whole life placing bricks together, forming a wall. how long will it take to knock it down? when you open a flood gate, how do you undo it? how can i know that it won't all come crashing over me? sink or swim? i'm a fucking horrible swimmer. sink? cake or death? um...i'll have the cake, please. we're all out. so, my option is death? yes. i'll have the chicken instead. meat is murder. i'll never eat anything that had a face at one time. there isn't that much in it. i'll starve instead. death before conformity. you'll take me kicking and screaming. i'll never stop. i'll never give up. faith, hope and love. it's all you have in the end. well, faith gave me a tiny rope to walk on. tight rope walking in complete fog. reaching out for a safety net. it's filled with holes. no one noticed i was losing my balance. as i fell, one hand reached out. caught me just before i fell. no one knows what it's like, out there all alone. one hand gave me the strength to try again. i found the hope i'd lost. i remember what it was like to see tomorrow as a new chance. i'm ready to jump in. things are looking up. the only thing left is love. i can wait. good things come to those who wait. i'm jumping trains. wait till you see where i end up. just don't you try and stop me. it's a slippery slope, and i'm scared the whole way down. but nothing worth while ever comes easy. and no one realizes that telling me i can't do it makes me want it more. i drove home in tears today because a complete stranger told me i'm not good enough. that i should just settle. i've settled for too long. i'll fucking do whatever the hell i please. i've wasted so much time doing what everyone else told me to do. crying on the inside because i was taught never to show weakness. i feel pain, but don't know how to express it. i'm walking straight into fire and you're trying to be the victim? and i give in, because i'm sick of fighting. i'm too tired to let this go on. i want to scream so loud that my voice tears itself apart. i want to destroy you with every word that drips from my mouth. i'm sick of hating you. i'm sick of loving you. i'm ready to walk away and never come back. i'm ready to have a summer that never happened. i'll never tell another soul. i won't miss you when i disappear. i will not mourn the loss of kristin. she was nothing. and, slowly, i'm killing her. it's a new era. in the house of krisa with a leo moon. the sun is coming up and spring showers are falling. wash away the past. clean up for the future. it's time to move on.