Monday, March 05, 2007
so long and goodnight..
sobbing my eyes out because it's all i have the strength to do anymore. i'm losing my mind and i know it. i'm powerless to stop it. i'm an innocent passer-by watching myself get hit by a car. i'm screaming as loud as i can. but no one hears me. one day soon, you'll never be able to get me out of your head. i'll make sure of that. i said if i killed you, it wouldn't be wrong because you deserve it. and i know i'm right. they told me to up my meds so i could get through the weekend without a mental breakdown. see the doctors on monday. the thing is, i wasn't like this before you. you say you like me. you're lying through your fucking gap-tooth. you're out to destroy me, and sometimes, i think you might. and maybe i don't care so much. someone once wrote that they thought if they ran their car into a tree, their death would look like an accident. i'm in the car and it's all i can think of. i don't want to die yet. i just want to have some time to...i don't really know. i just want time. seems to me, you want all the time you can get from me. suck me dry. i'll shrivel up like a raisen. this wasn't how it was supposed to be. i'm dying in the sun. i like the moon better. it casts the shadow i'm already painting. my nails are black and my hair is swoopy and in my eye and i wish i could stay that way. i don't want to clean up for you. i want to live in hoodies and jeans and flats. and i want you to fear me and idolize me all at once. i want to cover my skin in ink to cover the scars i'm ignoring. wash away my sadness. replace with power and fire. i must go on standing. it's not my choice. there's always a choice. i could fall, but what's the point? i'd just have to pick myself up again. who controls the key? the lock is broken. open the door to me. there's so much i need to show you. i want to bear my soul to you, but at the same time, i'm terrified of what you must think of me. the truth will set you free. lies will pull you down and destroy you. i'm a walking lie. little white lie turns into earth shattering revelation. i want a boy with broken lips and a broken heart. finish breaking me. and we will be broken together.