and now, it's all the same to me...

my mind wants to do so much. but i'm so tired. i want to jump in the car and find a tattoo parlour. get that phoenix. it's time to be reborn. i've been through too much. i just can't take this anymore. they're giving me more meds and uping the one's i'm already on just to keep me from going out of my head. it shouldn't be like this. it's always something. why isn't it ever something good? something that lasts. i'm spending money like it's gonna save me. i had to become completly histarical for her to realize i really do have a problem. i hear the fear in her voice. she's scared i'm going to do something drastic. like kill myself. not this time. i won't give them the satisfaction. i won't let them break me. how can i prove everyone wrong when i'm dead? i'm too damn stubborn for my own good. there's so many things i wish i could say. i'm dreaming of pirate ships. in the middle of the ocean. the wind picks up. before i know what's happening, the ship capsizes. but i'm the only one afraid. the only one who knows how bad it is. i'm struggling to stay above water while everyone else is practicing their breaststrokes. i'm dreaming of five sons and not a father in sight. the storm scares them, and i can't help them. i'm yelling and trying everything i can to make it okay. but nothing works. the planes fly over and i think we'll get bombed. what can you do when you're out of hope? you're gonna have to hold on. i will always go beside you. you will always understand.