prescribe pills...

i'm pulling tears in from the back of my mind. they rush to the surface but i stop them just in time. i'm finding it hard to adjust. you're holding a pillow over my mouth. smother me to death. you take one pillow, replace it with another. i'll have a chance to choose. i hate the pattern of the first one. it's bad memories of screaming myself to sleep. second choice, perfect at first, but the closer i look, the less i like the pattern. so, now i'm stuck. i've got two pillows hovering over me. pick one. but i can't. i don't want to. i don't want to be smothered. it's hard work keeping it together. it's sofie's choice. i'm sick of all of it. i just want what i want. i'm bored with working for a paycheck. i want to work because i want to. i want to find something that makes me happy. i want to find something to hold onto until it's time to let go. let me go. it's time. i'm sick of being scared of everything. weakness is stronger than i thought. the demons are waking inside me again. i need to up my dose. but how much is too much? i feel the coldness take hold once again. and i don't give a fuck. let it in. let it freeze me inside out again. because i'm nothing without it. i'll never be as good as you. i'll be better and i know it. i need to start relying on myself. i'm working on it. i'm making changes. a tornada just hit. sent my house flying. wake up in oz. only if i get flying monkeys. i'll get you my pretty. take me. i won't fight back. i just got the news the cells were unidentifyable. could be nothing. could be cancer. how fucked up am i to wish it was cancer? i'll let it eat me alive because i can. i'll never amount to anything without trials. send in the jury. it's time to hang for the crimes i've commited. give me immortality. it's the gift that keeps on giving. give me a break. preferably the neck. you'll find me at the bottom of the sea. the sirens call out to me. lead me to my death on the cold rocks. i'll sacrifice myself for you. i'll become a daughter of the air. help me gain an eternal soul. maybe that's the happy ending. the real ending, the sacrificial lamb turns to sea foam. she is nothing. no one ever knew she exhisted. show me i exhist.