Work Work Work...

Well, it's official. I am earning a paycheck again. A little over a month ago, I put in a job application to work at a great restaurant in town. I finally heard back from them about 3 weeks later. After 2 interviews, I got the call that I was hired! I went to orientation earlier this week. There were two other girls there, both new servers. I am one of two new hostesses. During orientation, we were informed that over 30 people had applied recently, and we were the only ones to make it through the interviews. I had my first training session last night, and I think I did pretty well. It was SUPER busy due to a concert down the street. The hostess training me said it felt more like an average Friday night instead of a Tuesday night. After about an hour, I was seating people on my own, wiping down tables and answering the phone. I've got two more training sessions this week before I'm cut loose to work on my own! It makes me nervous, but also excited. My co-workers seem pretty nice, especially the hostesses that trained me. So, I'm a little more comfortable than I was before I started training.

On top of that, the semester is only a few weeks from being over! I'm so excited for summer. I love school, but I am ready for a break. I can feel myself getting the summer itch. I'm a lot less focused on school than I was at the beginning of semester, or even right after spring break. I am passing my classes, and have even improved in my math class! But I'm just ready for summer.

I had big plans for this summer, but I am pretty sure I won't be able to swing it this year. Instead, I'll spend this summer working my butt off and saving for next year. I need to pay my car down and get some things done before I'm able to jet-set to the other side of the world. I'm sad it won't be spending my summer in Korea, but I know that if I can start saving now, by next year, I'll be able to do it right!

All in all, I'm pretty excited about what I have in store for me!

I'm over half way done!!!!

So, a few weeks ago was spring break. I have less than 2 months left of this semester. I CAN'T believe it! So, here's an update on school.

I dropped my biology class within the first month. I was completly lost the entire time. Plus, I skipped a few classes due to sickness. At that point, I was even more behind than I was before, and my school has a policy that if you miss the equivilent of 2 weeks worth of classes, you are automatically dropped from the class. Since that was a Tue/Thurs class, and I missed 2 classes, I could only miss 2 more during the whole semester before I'd be dropped. On top of that, a friend told me about ratemyprofessor.com I searched for my bio teacher, and found that every post said he was not a good teacher. I had been feeling the same way, but after seeing so many other people saying NOT to take him, I felt justified in dropping the class. I'll take it another semester with another teacher.

My math class is terrible. Literally half the class had dropped the class by spring break. I'm sticking it out, because the class is only taught by one teacher. Plus, the book is $200 and I don't want to re-buy it.

My history class is AWESOME! My teacher is one of those guys who totally loves the subject and knows his shit. He jumps around, bangs on the walls, and yells a lot. He acts things out and references things like facebook to make it easier to relate to. He doesn't allow people to be late or talk during class. Which is awesome, because it's a total distraction to me. His tests include multiple choice questions which are pretty easy (if you study) and a super hard essay question. I just took my second test in that class today. I earned a B on the last test, so I was hoping for an A on this one. We'll see. There were a few things I was slightly iffy on.

Last is my photography class. I've never taken photography before, but it's really fun! I love working with the 35mm camera now that I am more comfortable with it. I hate devoloping my film because it stresses me out and since I'm a ball of nerves, I end up ruining half the roll in the process. I've got a plan on how to fix this problem, but I don't have any film to develop quite yet. Hopefully, my plan will work in both calming me down, and tuning other people out! But I LOVE making the photos and just seeing what I've done. We don't use digital cameras, so it's like Christmas when you actually see the photos you took! I've also made a few friends in my photo class. It's the only class that I really talk to people in. I used to talk to people in my bio class, but since I dropped it, I don't see those people anymore.

All in all, I'm loving being a student again! I just can't believe the semester is almost over and summer is almost here. I've got some crazy plans for the summer that I REALLY hope work out! But that's for another post!

Stress is setting in...

So, my insurance from my old job will be running out in a few weeks. It's starting to hit me what it means to not have insurance. If I get a sore throat, what do I do? What about when my asthma inhaler runs out? So, now, I've started the scary process of looking for insurance that I can take over myself. Anyone who has ever done this, knows how stressfull this can be. I don't even know where to start. Price is obviously going to be a factor. But then, I have to consider how the insurance company treats the patients. Will they tell me something is covered only to decide after the fact that it's not? If I have a question, will there be someone on the other end of the phone to help? On top of this, each company has limits on what is covered. Pre-existing conditions are often not covered. What pre-existing conditions? I'd like to know ahead of time if I'm going to be covered or not. A lot of companies also don't cover certain procedures, wheather a doctor thinks it's necessary or not. So, if I find out I need to have something done, will the insurance company deny me? Will I have to pay out of pocket for something that should be covered? I have no idea how this will all turn out.

New paths chosen...

I've decided I really need to get the ball rolling on this blog again. It's been too long since my last post. Tons has happened since then. Some good. Lots of bad. But that's a past to be revisited on another day.

I thought that I might start this "new beginning" by talking about how I came to the decision to be a full time student.

This story began several months ago at work. I was working in a warehouse. Had been for a few years. One of my co-workers asked me if I had graduated high school. I told her I graduated high school nearly 10 years ago. Her next statement totally caught me off guard.

"Then why are you working here?"

I stood there, stunned for a few seconds, not knowing how to answer. I'd never really thought about it. I needed a job, and they were hiring. I'd gone from entry-level job to entry-level job for years since high school. I couldn't apply for other jobs because they required a college degree.

I'd always wanted to go to college but had a million excuses as to why I couldn't. But standing there in that moment, it all hit me. Here was a woman around my age who was originally from Mexico. Her English isn't bad, but sometimes she gets confused for words. She didn't have a college education, but she did have a kid or two at home. Her options were limited. What was my excuse? My real excuse? Forget the money, forget not knowing what I really wanted to do as a career. Why had I put off school for so long? Maybe, just maybe, there was fear.

People who know me best, know I'm terrified to fail. Sometimes, I choose not to even try, because if you never try, you can never fail. But this moment, looking at a woman who had more than fear holding her back, I realized my time to fear was up. I signed up for classes a few weeks later.

So, now, here I am. I have less than a week left at that same warehouse job. I am enrolled in 5 classes this semester totaling 15 credit hours. My first tuition payment has been processed, my books are ordered and in the mail. There are things I'm working towards throughout this coming year. Lots of great things I must strive for. Some, I'm absolutly terrified for. I'm terrified to try, perhaps even more terrified to succeed. But I'm starting to realize that I MUST try. I'm excited for the future. I can't wait to see what the lies ahead of me.

In the spirit of my new found courage and sense of adventure, t's time for me to end this post, and begin this year with a few wise words that are not my own.

"It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to." -Bilbo Baggins The Lord of the Rings- Fellowship of the Ring

Living in America...

Wow...been a while since I posted here. Wanted to get back into blogging about whatever hits me at the moment. Probably as good a day as any...Maybe even better.

Today is the 10th anniversary of 9/11. It's crazy to think how much my life, and the lives of everyone in the U.S. have changed. Ten years ago today, I was in my junior year of high school. Gas prices were cheap enough that my friends and I could cruise around town just to waste time. People of middle eastern decent were not feared anymore than people of other decents. Food was cheap. Jobs were plentiful. Life was good.

Then it happened. Osama bin Laden hatched a plan to bring the U.S. to it's knees. I remember going to class that morning like any normal day. Sitting in my chair, waiting for the bell to ring. Someone said a plane had flown into a building in New York City. Within minutes, a tv had been wheeled into the classroom and we were watching the news coverage of the most devestating event of our young lives to date. None of us understood at that time how much our lives would be forever changed.

When we found out it was a terrorist attack, and not just a horrible accident, I remember saying, "Who would be stupid enough to attack America?!" That's the mentality many of us had at that time. We were the greatest country in the world. Strongest in military, great economy. We weren't afraid to go shopping or to fly somewhere for vacation. We weren't leary of people from the middle east. I don't even think I'd ever heard of Afghanistan. We were America the strong. The brave. The powerful. And no one could ever do anything to damage that...Or so we thought.

I don't remember much about that day ten years ago. Mostly that everyone was in a panick or crying. I had band practice after school that night. My mom had called my cell and told me that I HAD to go put gas in my car as soon as I left school. At the time, it was thought that because of the attacks, the U.S. would no longer have access to oil. They would shut us down that day. I remember sitting in my car a block away from that gas station for a few hours, just waiting to get in. The whole country was in a panick. We were all in a crisis state of mind. My parents drove up, and told me to take their car to band practice and they would fill my tank for me.

My older brother was in his fourth day of basic training for the Air Force when the towers fell. No one knew what would happen, but many in my family were sure my brother would be deployed immediately. I remember going to band practice and talking to the boy I was in love with. Telling him that my family was worried for my brother. Ironically, that same boy is now an airman. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how scared I am that something will happen to him. The nature of his job is one I'm not allowed to know. I think that makes it worse.

My brother is still an airman. He's a reservist who hasn't yet been deployed. His day is coming quickly, I believe. Sometime this spring, he will deploy. I wonder how women survive the deployements of men in their lives. How will my mother, sisters and I cope with my brother's deployement? What about his wife and children?

I had never flown before 9/11. So, I can't tell you how much airlines have changed from the days before. These days, we take our shoes off before walking through the metal detector. I have been randomly pulled from line and patted down before walking through the machine. I remember going to Chicago a few years ago to visit a friend. The day we were to come back, there was a terrorist attack in London. We were told to arrive at the airport several hours early in order to get through security in time to make our flight. This is the world we live in now.

Gas prices are high enough that driving just to drive is no longer an option. Many people have traded in their massive suvs and super duty trucks for hybrid cars. If an unknown package or bag is left anywhere, the bomb squad is called in. The air force now does multiple fly-overs during football games. I remember for a long time seeing a chart on the news. Different colors meant different terror levels. Orange, red, ecetera. "Axis of evil" was a phrase used often in those early days. Videos of soldiers being be-headed by Al Qaeda were sent to news organizatons regularly. This is the world we live in now. A world of fear.

So, how do you live each day with the fear? Mostly, I just put it out of my mind. I occupy my time with school and work and facebook and texting. I think that's the only way any of us can ever really stay sane in it all. We focus on managing bills and cutting costs. We focus on hobbies or work. We focus on our families. The world is a scary place, but that doesn't mean that we must be afraid of everything all the time. We must remember to stop and see the blessings, no matter how small. My drive home from work is very late at night. Partly on back roads. I see deer nearly every drive home. It's a nice reminder that life goes on. I still laugh at "that's what she said" jokes. I still crank my stereo and sing and dance through my house like my brother and I did as kids. This is how life goes on.

Ten years later, life goes on.

Stay 18 forever...So we can stay like this forever...

Held myself together. Stuck it out. Felt my body collapsing into itself. It was all Jack's Mannequin and bleeding heartbreak. Goodbye and good day. He's been gone for so long and I know I'll be fine. Just fine. I don't think I'll ever see him again. That should hurt more than it does. Maybe I never saw him to begin with. Never saw myself until he left. I'm stronger than all this life. So many options right now. Doors are opening and I'm peeking in. The world is coming together and I'm reaching towards a goal. Breathe in life. Here it comes. I can feel the screams I wish I could express. I want to go into the courtyard and yell at my loudest just like I did so many years ago. Nerves in my gut need something to do besides squirm. Want to run a mile just to see where I am. Wake up and be alive. B-free. B-happy. B-boys and b-loved. It's more than gas stations and sore legs. Push-up bras and quotas. Two hours of sleep aren't fixing me like they used to. Roadtrips and mix cds can heal the world. Jump in the car and blast out the love. My world is Iron and Wine and Brand New. Twenty-five in thirty-five days. A quarter of a century down. What can I say? A lot, depending. The filter can't block it all. Best friends are there to think clearly for me. I'm not who you think I am. I'm so much more than you'll ever understand. I want to make you by destroying you. I want to destroy you by making you. I want to feel you in me. I want to force you out. Can't understand. How did you read that book? Takes most people years, it took you minutes. For every action there is a reaction. It's not what I expected. I'm naked and confused. Life is new. Give me a list. I need to check stuff off.

There's a lot to learn about Joan...

Pray. Pray that God will send someone to love you. Pray that God will help you get hired. Pray that it will all be okay. Fuck it! God's not listening. Maybe God doesn't exhist. If I want something, I'll have it. On my own. I don't need to bend and scrape and wish and dream and hope. I have the ability to make it happen without anyone else's help. I am not weak. I have weaknesses, yes. But I am not weak. And I will not change who I am to fit into some mold that everyone else has laid out for me. If you don't like me, I don't care. I am what I am. Take a minute to get to know me. I love music that makes me feel something. I can totally block out the world if a good song comes on. I love to knit. I hate to knit. I laugh. A lot. I hate driving. I love books. I have considered, on more than one occasion, how exciting the Zombie Apacolypse will actually be. Sometimes, I argue just to argue. I wish I had a bigger bootie. I have a scar on my arm from accidentally running into a metal gate at work. The first time I ever fell in love was when I was 16. It didn't happen again until I was 23. Both guys broke my heart by leaving. I have a friend in Iraq. I'm scared for her everyday. During the winter, I become a total hermit. I won't leave the house for days if I don't have to. I love the book A Picture of Dorian Gray because "He looked on evil simply as a mode through which he could realise his conception of the beautiful." I believe that love is the most excruciating emotion a person can feel. That's why it's so amazing. I know that someday, I will walk out that door. And I won't come back. It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution.

Pick Me Up...If Work Permits...

lost my first love once. feeling that lost again. remember the days when the ceiling was falling in on us. peeled paint and torn fliers. living just to live. 2 am with the windows down. letting the summer sink in. knowing all the right words. laughing when i forget them. completely drunk down to every cell in my body. be part of something bigger than what we are. letting the smoke sink into my skin. living for cigarettes and road trips. ticket stubs and x-marked hands. not knowing anything. just knowing it will all work out.

three days out and my head is starting to clear. feel it all coming back out. locked it away, glued it shut. don't be afraid little child. it only hurts a bit. life is pain. here it comes. brace for impact.

Broken Compass...

stir crazy. keep moving, but not getting anywhere. let me slip away. ready to arrive. take a plane into the unknown. time to jump in. i'm ready, i am.

and nothing else matters...

(picture taken on sidekick)

so sick of not getting the time of day. it's 9:01pm...thanks. helps a lot. getting slaughtered like a lamb in this business. nothing makes sense and nothing else matters. it's all i want and it's exactly what i'll never get. death before failure...right? at this rate, might as well die. failing a little more everyday. want to stop the meds. sick of it all. sick of being normal. sick of being plain. done with this crappy exhistance. gotta break free. prisoner of war. can't break out. and nothing else matters. can't breath to seek. can't find the way. darkness is the absense of light. the darkness is a cloak that's suffocating. the world is breaking. shatter the windows. couldn't feel the wind anyways. fuck it all. done with the waiting. hurry up and wait. that's life. wait wait wait. cough out the truth. nothing else matters. lost faith. can't turn around. can't keep going on like thi. just need a reason to be. want to be on the road. want to make something beautiful. make me beautiful. make this world the truth. make it all alive. the music flows and can't make it stop. but there it is. they keep turning it down. this one goes to 11. why don't you just make 10 louder? but this one goes to 11. wish it all went to 11. never let go of the line. keep holding on till the line breaks. it's getting thin and starting to tear. lost the way . lost the light. never cared for all the fake. just wanted something real. people are assholes. fucking true. i'm dying for this. and nothing else matters.

i love you too..

got the doors stuck in my head. break on through to the other side. god, what i wouldn't give to break on through to the other side. things are good. things suck. making friends who actually give a shit. got someone to walk the path with. walk until our feet get tired. we'll find our way out someday. for now, we'll just stick together and walk. it's fall. the trees are my soul. gold and red and dying. feel the chill in the air. it'll be time again soon. one year ago i couldn't see the end. now i can't see the begining. wish i had something to call my own. someone. the phone's been ringing, ain't no one answering. ready to feel the pain again. i've missed it so. when it comes, i'll be ready and waiting. there'll be peace when you are gone. go now in peace.

long live the car-crashed hearts...

trying to sleep in the car. realize my eyes won't close cause you're there. feel like everything's gonna be ok. the world is crashing down at my feet. the zombies are closing in. running. running. running. just trying to stay alive. and when i finally run out of breath. i look up. and there's a field. do i die in a field, or keep trucking on? sleep. sleep. sleep. night closes in and the zombies are back. it was all a dream. but for mere moments, forgot the terror. i found my safety net just now. thank the music. thank god. thank you. wish i could carry my savior around in my pocket. for now, i'll steal moments alone w/ you. just good to know you're still out there. i missed having that comfort. i miss you. i miss what you meant to me. i'm spinning fuct like the music will spill out and surround me with a protective spell. nothing makes sense anymore. i can't control anything. yet, i control everything. i'm blind in the dark and the batteries in my flashlight are starting to fail. but i cling to hope. you're out there. feel my way through the forest of fear and helplessness. i'll catch your hand soon. just have to keep going. the world belongs to those who choose to hope. i've got the whole world in my hands.

she paints me blue...

so scared that you'll do something rash. please don't let it take you. fight it. fight with everything you have. you are a warrior. we both are. i feel the fire rise up in me. keep my strength. hold it in just a little longer. it will explode forth like the furies of hell. but not yet. wait for it...wait for it...it's done. why can't you see that it'll all be okay. looking at you, i see myself. i'm reaching out a hand to you like someone once did for me. please, take my hand.
all by myself..but not alone. felt like i belonged. i do belong. pushing my way into the crowd. pointing the lights all on me. turning on. it takes a minute, but soon, i'll be lit up like jesus raining down from heaven. wake little children. wake. the time has come to take a stand. to fight. freedom and happiness are the sword and the arrows. dreams come true are the targets. practice. practice. soon, the war will come. take a side. and fight till the end. blood, sweat, and tears are the sacrifice we all must make. sacrifice yourself on the altar of faith. give over to the unknown. darkness is nothing but the absence of light. here's a match. light the world.

i'm hoping to hear something besides echoes everytime i say hello.

woke up this morning and found something missing. looked for my keys. my shoes. my breakfast. nothing's missing. but something is. i can't breath. evertime i try to stop and think, i'm suffocating. there's so much on my mind. and i can't get it out. i'm terrified. rooted to the ground and i can't move an inch. i've held onto this my whole life. and without it, i have nothing. what can i do? i've got a handful of unhappiness. this wasn't how it was supposed to be. i had a plan. i'm in the car. and i've got tears in my eyes because i can't bear another day. i just want to go back and change it all. why can't i just be different? and everyone expects me to be something i'm not. i'm not who you think i am. i cry in my room at night because i can't get out. because i know i'll never be happy. never be something. never...be. i wish i could write more. wish i could purge it all. but there's too much to be said. and not enough words to say it. i need to find a way back. i'll see you when i fix it.

give me the song and i'll sing it like i mean it...

i'm crying too much to post how i really feel.

life despite god...

it's been forever since i've bled my soul. i'm ready to let it take over again. it's time. i'm nothing without it. i've got a chill right down in my veins. they shiver and shake into my bones. i move to the pulse of the song. sing my troubles to life. her voice is rough and scratchy. the sound of my soul. here comes the rain. i'll get soaked and i don't care. my eyes are tired and my mind is tired and my soul is tired. i need to sleep endlessly. but i love the torture. keep me up. run me down. light the candle. extenguish the flame. love is a battlefield. i'll shoot you dead. break you apart. build a mosaic from your shredded heart. bruises on my arms tell the truth. just because you like a person, doesn't mean they're good. please say i'm good at what i do. tell me that it's never gonna be the same. tell me someone's listening. sending wishes and prayers up to the stars. message failed. please re-send. what goes up must come down. down down down i go. and i'll rise up again. i'll rise until it's done. don't let it end. i want it all for myself. i won't stop until you know my name. i won't stop before i become your god(dess). i won't stop until your prayers are sent to me. until i'm amongst the stars. look up into the sky. do you see me looking down? do you feel me in your dreams? i'm losing faith in truths. faith in lies. in lies faith. i have faith in you. don't loose faith in me.

the sun was never cold.

wish i had something to say to you to make it all seem alright...i'm at a loss...i've got $7 dollars in my bank account...i'm nearly out of gas...and i'm homesick for a home that i can't find. i wish i knew we would be ok..that things would get better..but, right now...i don't know anything. i can see the veins in my fingers glowing green. my hands are cold. and my heart is cold. and my soul is cold. it rained here this morning. and i wish it was still raining. i wish it would rain forever. i just want to close my eyes and sleep it all away. i'm turning my ipod up louder and louder to block out the world. i'm a con artist. i'm selling lies..and they're buying them like it's oxygen. but i'm the most genuine con artist you'll ever meet. i'm the heartbreaker with the broken heart. i swear he felt my heart dying. i'm numb...and i hate that more than i hate the depression. at least when i was depressed, i knew how i felt....i don't know...i have no feelings..i feel dead inside. i'm sure i'll be fine tomorrow. and so will you. we'll be fine, because.i don't know..we just have to be ok. we will be.

and now, it's all the same to me...

my mind wants to do so much. but i'm so tired. i want to jump in the car and find a tattoo parlour. get that phoenix. it's time to be reborn. i've been through too much. i just can't take this anymore. they're giving me more meds and uping the one's i'm already on just to keep me from going out of my head. it shouldn't be like this. it's always something. why isn't it ever something good? something that lasts. i'm spending money like it's gonna save me. i had to become completly histarical for her to realize i really do have a problem. i hear the fear in her voice. she's scared i'm going to do something drastic. like kill myself. not this time. i won't give them the satisfaction. i won't let them break me. how can i prove everyone wrong when i'm dead? i'm too damn stubborn for my own good. there's so many things i wish i could say. i'm dreaming of pirate ships. in the middle of the ocean. the wind picks up. before i know what's happening, the ship capsizes. but i'm the only one afraid. the only one who knows how bad it is. i'm struggling to stay above water while everyone else is practicing their breaststrokes. i'm dreaming of five sons and not a father in sight. the storm scares them, and i can't help them. i'm yelling and trying everything i can to make it okay. but nothing works. the planes fly over and i think we'll get bombed. what can you do when you're out of hope? you're gonna have to hold on. i will always go beside you. you will always understand.

so long and goodnight..

sobbing my eyes out because it's all i have the strength to do anymore. i'm losing my mind and i know it. i'm powerless to stop it. i'm an innocent passer-by watching myself get hit by a car. i'm screaming as loud as i can. but no one hears me. one day soon, you'll never be able to get me out of your head. i'll make sure of that. i said if i killed you, it wouldn't be wrong because you deserve it. and i know i'm right. they told me to up my meds so i could get through the weekend without a mental breakdown. see the doctors on monday. the thing is, i wasn't like this before you. you say you like me. you're lying through your fucking gap-tooth. you're out to destroy me, and sometimes, i think you might. and maybe i don't care so much. someone once wrote that they thought if they ran their car into a tree, their death would look like an accident. i'm in the car and it's all i can think of. i don't want to die yet. i just want to have some time to...i don't really know. i just want time. seems to me, you want all the time you can get from me. suck me dry. i'll shrivel up like a raisen. this wasn't how it was supposed to be. i'm dying in the sun. i like the moon better. it casts the shadow i'm already painting. my nails are black and my hair is swoopy and in my eye and i wish i could stay that way. i don't want to clean up for you. i want to live in hoodies and jeans and flats. and i want you to fear me and idolize me all at once. i want to cover my skin in ink to cover the scars i'm ignoring. wash away my sadness. replace with power and fire. i must go on standing. it's not my choice. there's always a choice. i could fall, but what's the point? i'd just have to pick myself up again. who controls the key? the lock is broken. open the door to me. there's so much i need to show you. i want to bear my soul to you, but at the same time, i'm terrified of what you must think of me. the truth will set you free. lies will pull you down and destroy you. i'm a walking lie. little white lie turns into earth shattering revelation. i want a boy with broken lips and a broken heart. finish breaking me. and we will be broken together.

mono

driving across the bridge...i think i could drive off the edge...and i might. i'm sobbing now, and i can't make it stop. cry me a river? no, i'll cry you an ocean. i don't even know if i believe in arch angels, but i'm praying to them to protect me. i'm losing my mind and all i want to do is cry myself to sleep. where is the burning? i want the rage to kick in. let it burn me up inside. i want you to see just how far you've pushed me. i want to stop cowering in the corner, praying you'll get hit by a bus. and, yes, i really do want you to die a horrible death. you walk up to me and smile. you're pushing me over the edge and smiling the whole time. and the worst thing is, you know it. you'll do everything in your power to get rid of me. oh god i want to hear you say..i want to hear you say that i'm so much better than you. and i'll write a song about you. i'll sing it every night. i'll scream my hatred for you until my lungs bleed. somewhere, you'll be choking on every last thought i'll shove down your throat. nail your coffin shut. i'll set fire to your body and let the maggats take the leftovers. you're nothing. and i'll remind you of that every god damn day of my life. revenge is best served hot. fresh from the oven. watch your skin melt from all the revenge i'll serve you. don't you wish you were me? i'm consumed in flames. i breathe them in. take a deep breath. you'll choke on the smoke. you'll never be able to handle it. it will destroy you. i thrive on it. it's the only tool i can use. i'll see you in hell. i'll be the one wearing flames like skin. watch me burn. and i'll rise.