Mommy wars...

So, I have recently started reading STFUParents. It's a website dedicated to the stupid/annoying things parents post on their fb. There are instances of "mommy jacking," i.e.-One person posts a status update saying they are waiting on cancer test results and it's stressful. A friend comments how they know EXACTLY how they feel, as they are waiting on test results to see if they are having a boy or a girl. (Basically, any post involving, "Oh, that sucks for you. Now back to me and my baby stuff!" Even when the mom is posting on someone else's status update.) There are "gross out factor" posts, which involve, "My kid just pooped the runniest poop ever." There are posts about mama drama. There are posts involving moms who think they are the greatest person ever just for having a baby.

This website is addicting in the fact that it reminds me no matter how annoyed or grossed out I may get by the things some of my friends post about their kids, it can always be worse. It also makes me feel like I'm not alone in thinking there are just some things that you don't need to post on facebook.

Earlier, as I was playing on stfu parents, I somehow stubbled upon another blog which had this post. Now, I'll admit, I was warned ahead of time that this post had come off as offensive. Not because the content wasn't safe for work, or was of a sexual nature or anything like that. It was offensive because it was so one sided and mean. I encourage you to read it and let me know what you think.

Here's my take on the post:

"T.V. does not rot little brains"
     Now, I'm not one to judge others for sitting their kids in front of the tv while they cook dinner or to get a few minutes peace. Do I think it's ok to allow your kids to watch tv all day every day? No. It squanders their imagination. Active minds are more creative and engaging. Children should be outside using their imagination. They should be learning the alphabet or colors or shapes. Regular excessive television viewing can lead to childhood obesity. Also, it all depends on what your child is watching. Dora the Explorer is one thing. But if your child is watching talk shows, soap operas or shows that are just too "mature" in any way, it's not doing them any good. And if you want to say tv doesn't effect your child, I better not see you in ten years blaming tv (or music) for ruining the youth of America (or any other country for that matter).

"I've been parenting for longer than you have...by like 90 years."
     I understand that since I don't have kids, there are going to be things I don't know how to do. That being said, I have 6 nieces and nephews. I have baby sat every one of them from time to time. In a pinch, I can change a diaper, (not well, but I know the basics.) I can make a bottle. I can rock them to sleep. I can read them a story. I can play zombie games. I can play tea party. Do I know every little thing about being a parent? No. That doesn't mean I know nothing about kids. In fact, some of the people who are best at understanding kids, are people who don't actually have kids. Um, hello? Supernanny. And frankly, there are tons of people out there who have kids, but don't know the first thing about being a parent.

"I'd like to hear something redeeming."
     If you want me to praise your kids, make sure they are praise-worthy. I won't tell you that you kid is really well behaved if he just punched me in the face. Sorry, not going to happen.

"I have been beaten into submission."
     And you a better mother for it? I doubt it. I work at a job that has beaten me into submission. Am I better at my job for it? No. I'm easily annoyed, upset and stressed through my entire shift. None of which are great qualities for an employee.

"It's rude to offer parenting advice, unless specifically asked."
     I can understand this, but remember, that's a two way street. I won't offer parenting advice, but I expect you not to offer advice on my life choices unless specifically asked. This means, I don't need your opinion on my singledom, my lack of kids, or my choice of college or jobs. Unwanted advice of any kind, is usually considered rude. Also, consider that many people are actively trying to have children, but have been unsuccessful. Asking them why they are waiting or if they want kids comes off as a judgement. If that person wants a child, but is unable to conceive, those comments are hurtful and cruel. Keep that in mind.

"I wish you a difficult child."
     Wow. I don't even know what to say to that.

"Please don't tell me how tired you are."
     Oh, yes, because only parents know how to be tired. Forget the people who work full time jobs and go to school. Forget the people with chronic insomnia. Forget the people with financial stresses or difficult family situations. It's not like any of that wears down the body or mind.

The entire post seems so "holier than thou," as do many of the comments. Having a child doesn't make you better than those without children. Not having children doesn't make you any better than those who do. It means that you made a choice (or had a little surprise, whatever.) to have a child, where as I made a choice not to have one. Please don't tell me that I'll understand once I have kids. I'm sure that I will to an extent. But that comment alone is very condescending. There is nothing wrong with me for choosing to wait to have children. It's not a priority for me yet. I am choosing to put myself through school. I am choosing to spend some time abroad. I am choosing to spend my time and money on myself. This may seem selfish. Maybe it is. But it's my decision. And as long as I'm not pushing my selfish will on others, I don't see it as a problem. Isn't it better for me to enjoy my life and try to grow and enrich myself now, so that when I do decide to have children, I can be a better, happier mother?

I am in no way trying to offend people with children. Most of the people I surround myself with have children. (And I adore those children.) This post is not directed to any of those people, because frankly, they have never offended me for my lack of children. This is just my own opinion as a non-parent.

Do you agree with my opinions? I'd love to get feedback from both parents and non-parents alike. As a non-parent, I can only see the world from my side of the fence. Parents, are there any things that non-parents say that annoy or offend you?

They're coming to get you, Barbara!

Guess who's about to start training for a 5k! Now, I have a strict policy on running. My policy is that the ONLY reason to run, is if you're being chased...by zombies. "So, why are you training for a 5k then?" Because I've found a 5k that PROVIDES the zombies. Oh yes. I said it. I'm going to run a race where I will be chased by zombies. There's also an obstacle course that includes lots of mud, water and maybe a little blood for good measure.

A few days ago, my friend posted a link on her facebook to the "Run for your lives" website. They have races all over the country. They are awesome. My brother in law has already agreed to run the race with me. His wife (my sister) is bringing my nephew to watch us run for our lives. The whole family is pumped. 

Run for Your Lives Official Video

This race is perfect for me. It's not a "straight down the road" race. This is a run through the woods, dodging zombies, getting dirty, doesn't matter who wins, just don't get "infected" practice apocalypse. Part horror movie, part old school playtime, this race is my dream come true. 

From what I understand, you get flags to wear around your waist. Just like in flag football, the "zombies" objective is to take your flag. If you lose your flags during the race, you become "infected." You still get to run the race, you still get a prize. But we all know the race isn't about prizes. It's about surviving. 

I haven't been this pumped to exercise since....Well, probably ever. I hate working out. I have always wanted to find some sort of exercise that can get me moving without making me realize I'm working out. I think I've found my sport. I can't wait for this race. 

Bring on the apocalypse! 

Oh mom...

Several months ago, I went through one of the most difficult and frightening days of my life.

I was sitting at a stoplight. It was mid-day and I had just gotten my car inspected and the oil changed. Sitting at the light, I took a drink of my Dr. Pepper. I slightly turned to put the can in the cup holder. As I turned back, I glanced in my rear-view mirror. That's when I saw the jeep behind me start to jolt forward. A durango had come over the hill, and didn't slow down for the light. Before I knew what was happening, I saw the durango push the jeep out of the way and slam into me. I couldn't do anything. I was blocked in on all sides, there was no where for me to avoid being hit. As the durango slammed into my mini cooper, I spit my Dr. Pepper all over myself and the steering wheel. I sat for a few seconds in shock.

Skip forward 20 minutes and I'm sitting on the sidewalk trying not to move as a cop is asking me what happened. I'm calm. I can handle this. But I can't. Because I see it in my mind. I play it in my mind as I recall that accident. But every time I see the durango in my mind, I see it coming for me, and I feel that fear. The fear that says, "I won't walk away from this." I can't stop the tears. Everytime I try to recall what happened, I start to cry. The ambulance shows up. They put me on the backboard, and I'm calm. I have to be calm. And I am. Until they ask what happened. Then, I'm crying again. In the ambulance, I hear the radio, I hear the monitors, I hear the emts talking. I want to close my eyes, but I can't. Because everytime I do, I see it and start crying again.

I'm wheeled through the er. Nurses ask me questions. "What's your name? What year is it?" I'm calm. Until they ask me what happened. And I'm crying again. I'm scared. I shouldn't be going through this alone. "What's your social security number?" I know this. How many times have I had to know it from memory? But I can't remember it. The numbers get jumbled and I can't figure out the right combination.

I'm in the waiting room, watching for my sister to pick me up. There she is, and for a few minutes, I'm going to be ok. Seeing her there, I can be calm. I'm not seriously injured. I'm joking about being covered in Dr. Pepper.  We get to the house, and she wants to come in.

My mother has just had surgery a few weeks before. She's laying on the couch in serious pain. Before I can even gather my head, she's laying face down on the bathroom floor. She's in and out of consciousness and barely breathing. I'm sitting in the hall terrified that I'm watching my mom die right in front of me and there's nothing I can do. The ambulance is on the way, but I'm so scared they won't make it in time.

My sister is better at dealing with emergencies than I am. Most people are. I never know what to do. "Get a cold rag." I would never think of that on my own. She's instructing me to do things. I know that if I were here in this situation alone, I would have no idea what to do. I would collapse in the hallway and watch my mother die. Not because I want to. I'm petrified in this situation. I freeze. I don't know how to be comforting. I don't know how to think. I shut down. My fear takes hold and I'm powerless against it.

Hours later, we are all surrounding my mom in her hospital room. She's awake and asleep. The machine beeps...beeps....beeps...Then, it sounds like an alarm is going off. I stop breathing. This machine "alarms" every few minutes. But I can't handle this alarm. Because everytime it goes off, I think my mom is dead. And I start crying again. I'm crying silently until my aunt notices. She hugs me, and I lose it. Nothing anyone could say would make me feel better. I need air.

Sitting outside of the hospital, it's a pretty day out. Not too hot, not too cold. The sun is shinning. The wind is blowing. It dries my eyes and gives me something to focus on. But sooner or later, I'll have to go back into that hospital room. Eventually, I do. More siblings have arrived. My sister is having contractions, but it's just dehydration.

The night ends with all of us heading home. My mom still in the hospital. She had internal bleeding, but it stopped. I breathe a sigh, knowing she's going to make it through the night.

Even now, everytime I think about that day, I cry. It's probably the most terrified I've ever been about something "real." This wasn't unnatural anxieties. This wasn't monsters under the bed. To this day, I'm still terrified.

Something that struck me that day is how alone I felt. In the ambulance, in the er, in the hallway, in the hospital, I felt as if I was standing against hell on my own. I don't manage trauma well. I internalize everything. I refuse to burden others with my emotions or fears. But at the same time, I'm unable to hold it together. I can't function and figure things out logically. I need time to process everything.

I will not cry in front of anyone if I can help it. I remember feeling weak because it seemed like all I COULD do that day was cry. I'll never forgive myself for losing it that day. I'll never forgive myself for failing to keep it together. I'll never be able to repay my sister for being strong and carrying the world for me that day.

I'm not what I've become...

Today, I'm dealing with a feeling that I experience a lot of. I don't often talk about it, especially with people outside of a close group of friends and family. Over the years, this issue has been a large problem in my life.

I have anxiety. The anxiety that I feel varies on a day to day basis, but it is always a struggle to overcome.

I began to realize my anxiety was becoming a severe issue several years ago. I was in my early 20's and had otherwise been a normal, well adjusted "adult." I had never really noticed how bad my anxiety was getting until I chose to go to a concert alone. This was something I had done in the past from time to time. Most of my close friends were away at college and couldn't come into town for random shows.  I went in, sat down in a random bar chair, and waited for the show to start. Once it did, I wanted to get closer to the stage, but my anxiety held me back. I felt like, if I got up and moved, people would look at me and judge me. Instead of being judged, I chose to stay where I was at.

A few months later, I was going to visit a friend in Chicago. A small group of us were going. I was pumped to see my friend and explore Chicago. Only one problem: I had never flown. The night before our flight, I couldn't sleep. I wasn't worried that our plan would crash. I wasn't worried about terrorists. I was absolutely terrified that the plan would take off, and I would freak out for no reason. Obviously, this is not a normal fear to have. When we arrived at the airport that morning, I was in a panic. Waiting in line to check in, I could feel my heart pounding. It got so bad, I actually considered getting out of line, calling my dad to come pick me up, and skipping my trip to Chicago. If my friends hadn't been there with me, I would have. But I didn't want to look like a chicken, so I stuck it out. Turns out, I love to fly, Chicago is a great city, and I had tons of fun visiting my friend.

That was a turning point for me. I had to get help and figure out a way to deal with my issues. I won't go into all that went into figuring things out. That's a post for another day. You may be wondering if my anxiety is as bad today as it was back then. The only answer I can really give is that I have to take each day as it comes. Most days, the anxiety is minimal and I can handle it pretty easily. I've learned that keeping to a routine and being able to know what is going on beforehand is probably what gets me through most days.

That last part is why I am having anxiety today. In my last post, I talked about my new job. Starting a new job is stressful, especially when it deals with two things that give me the most anxiety: the public and phones. What is it about dealing with the public and phones gives me anxiety? Simply put, everything. One thing I loved about my old job was that I didn't have to deal with customers. If I screwed up, my boss dealt with me. But when you work with the public, there are times when they yell at you. Sometimes, they ask questions that you don't know the answer to. It's a whole multitude of unknowns that terrify me.

Phones terrify me because of the same unknowns. When it rings, my heart starts to race, my palms get sweaty, my lungs tighten and my face begins to flush. Who is calling? What will they want? What if I accidentally hang up on them or give them the wrong answer? What if I can't hear them clearly? Right now, my palms are sweaty just thinking about this. These fears don't just hold true for work phones. Those closest to me know that if they want to get a hold of me, they need to text me. If my cell phone rings, I won't answer it. It doesn't matter if it's my best friend or my mom. I will send it to voice-mail. There are exceptions to the rules. I am getting better about answering the phone when it's someone close to me.

So, how am I dealing with the new job, knowing I can't avoid two of my biggest anxiety triggers? A huge part of this is reminding myself that if I can't wrangle my fears on a simple job, I'll never be able to move to the other side of the world. It helps by just making me suck it up and do it, but the stress is still there. The night I had my first training session, I was a basket-case in the car. I walked in and could barely speak. After I got a little more used to the women that were training me, I began to joke with them. I got called in to work for tonight. It's supposed to be pretty busy and they needed a little extra help. My stomach is wiggly and I've been feeling pretty nervous all day. I know that once I'm there a while, I'll be fine. Mostly, just getting myself there is the hardest part.

In my day to day life, I end up forcing myself to do things I don't want to do in order to live a somewhat normal life. When people first meet me, I don't come off as having anxiety. I might seem a little shy or reserved at first, but I'm usually pretty personable. I find it pretty easy to joke and laugh with people I've just met.

I have big dreams and goals of traveling and owning my own business. I'm covered in tattoos and I change my hair color or style more than most people change their sheets. Sometimes, I don't understand how I'm able to tackle these things with ease, yet can't do simple things without a mini-meltdown. Will I ever be able to just jump into situations without the fear? I can't answer that. All I really know is that I won't let my anxiety hold me back from the things I truly want. Life is for living and even though that's a struggle sometimes, I plan on living as much as I can.

Work Work Work...

Well, it's official. I am earning a paycheck again. A little over a month ago, I put in a job application to work at a great restaurant in town. I finally heard back from them about 3 weeks later. After 2 interviews, I got the call that I was hired! I went to orientation earlier this week. There were two other girls there, both new servers. I am one of two new hostesses. During orientation, we were informed that over 30 people had applied recently, and we were the only ones to make it through the interviews. I had my first training session last night, and I think I did pretty well. It was SUPER busy due to a concert down the street. The hostess training me said it felt more like an average Friday night instead of a Tuesday night. After about an hour, I was seating people on my own, wiping down tables and answering the phone. I've got two more training sessions this week before I'm cut loose to work on my own! It makes me nervous, but also excited. My co-workers seem pretty nice, especially the hostesses that trained me. So, I'm a little more comfortable than I was before I started training.

On top of that, the semester is only a few weeks from being over! I'm so excited for summer. I love school, but I am ready for a break. I can feel myself getting the summer itch. I'm a lot less focused on school than I was at the beginning of semester, or even right after spring break. I am passing my classes, and have even improved in my math class! But I'm just ready for summer.

I had big plans for this summer, but I am pretty sure I won't be able to swing it this year. Instead, I'll spend this summer working my butt off and saving for next year. I need to pay my car down and get some things done before I'm able to jet-set to the other side of the world. I'm sad it won't be spending my summer in Korea, but I know that if I can start saving now, by next year, I'll be able to do it right!

All in all, I'm pretty excited about what I have in store for me!

I'm over half way done!!!!

So, a few weeks ago was spring break. I have less than 2 months left of this semester. I CAN'T believe it! So, here's an update on school.

I dropped my biology class within the first month. I was completly lost the entire time. Plus, I skipped a few classes due to sickness. At that point, I was even more behind than I was before, and my school has a policy that if you miss the equivilent of 2 weeks worth of classes, you are automatically dropped from the class. Since that was a Tue/Thurs class, and I missed 2 classes, I could only miss 2 more during the whole semester before I'd be dropped. On top of that, a friend told me about ratemyprofessor.com I searched for my bio teacher, and found that every post said he was not a good teacher. I had been feeling the same way, but after seeing so many other people saying NOT to take him, I felt justified in dropping the class. I'll take it another semester with another teacher.

My math class is terrible. Literally half the class had dropped the class by spring break. I'm sticking it out, because the class is only taught by one teacher. Plus, the book is $200 and I don't want to re-buy it.

My history class is AWESOME! My teacher is one of those guys who totally loves the subject and knows his shit. He jumps around, bangs on the walls, and yells a lot. He acts things out and references things like facebook to make it easier to relate to. He doesn't allow people to be late or talk during class. Which is awesome, because it's a total distraction to me. His tests include multiple choice questions which are pretty easy (if you study) and a super hard essay question. I just took my second test in that class today. I earned a B on the last test, so I was hoping for an A on this one. We'll see. There were a few things I was slightly iffy on.

Last is my photography class. I've never taken photography before, but it's really fun! I love working with the 35mm camera now that I am more comfortable with it. I hate devoloping my film because it stresses me out and since I'm a ball of nerves, I end up ruining half the roll in the process. I've got a plan on how to fix this problem, but I don't have any film to develop quite yet. Hopefully, my plan will work in both calming me down, and tuning other people out! But I LOVE making the photos and just seeing what I've done. We don't use digital cameras, so it's like Christmas when you actually see the photos you took! I've also made a few friends in my photo class. It's the only class that I really talk to people in. I used to talk to people in my bio class, but since I dropped it, I don't see those people anymore.

All in all, I'm loving being a student again! I just can't believe the semester is almost over and summer is almost here. I've got some crazy plans for the summer that I REALLY hope work out! But that's for another post!

Stress is setting in...

So, my insurance from my old job will be running out in a few weeks. It's starting to hit me what it means to not have insurance. If I get a sore throat, what do I do? What about when my asthma inhaler runs out? So, now, I've started the scary process of looking for insurance that I can take over myself. Anyone who has ever done this, knows how stressfull this can be. I don't even know where to start. Price is obviously going to be a factor. But then, I have to consider how the insurance company treats the patients. Will they tell me something is covered only to decide after the fact that it's not? If I have a question, will there be someone on the other end of the phone to help? On top of this, each company has limits on what is covered. Pre-existing conditions are often not covered. What pre-existing conditions? I'd like to know ahead of time if I'm going to be covered or not. A lot of companies also don't cover certain procedures, wheather a doctor thinks it's necessary or not. So, if I find out I need to have something done, will the insurance company deny me? Will I have to pay out of pocket for something that should be covered? I have no idea how this will all turn out.

New paths chosen...

I've decided I really need to get the ball rolling on this blog again. It's been too long since my last post. Tons has happened since then. Some good. Lots of bad. But that's a past to be revisited on another day.

I thought that I might start this "new beginning" by talking about how I came to the decision to be a full time student.

This story began several months ago at work. I was working in a warehouse. Had been for a few years. One of my co-workers asked me if I had graduated high school. I told her I graduated high school nearly 10 years ago. Her next statement totally caught me off guard.

"Then why are you working here?"

I stood there, stunned for a few seconds, not knowing how to answer. I'd never really thought about it. I needed a job, and they were hiring. I'd gone from entry-level job to entry-level job for years since high school. I couldn't apply for other jobs because they required a college degree.

I'd always wanted to go to college but had a million excuses as to why I couldn't. But standing there in that moment, it all hit me. Here was a woman around my age who was originally from Mexico. Her English isn't bad, but sometimes she gets confused for words. She didn't have a college education, but she did have a kid or two at home. Her options were limited. What was my excuse? My real excuse? Forget the money, forget not knowing what I really wanted to do as a career. Why had I put off school for so long? Maybe, just maybe, there was fear.

People who know me best, know I'm terrified to fail. Sometimes, I choose not to even try, because if you never try, you can never fail. But this moment, looking at a woman who had more than fear holding her back, I realized my time to fear was up. I signed up for classes a few weeks later.

So, now, here I am. I have less than a week left at that same warehouse job. I am enrolled in 5 classes this semester totaling 15 credit hours. My first tuition payment has been processed, my books are ordered and in the mail. There are things I'm working towards throughout this coming year. Lots of great things I must strive for. Some, I'm absolutly terrified for. I'm terrified to try, perhaps even more terrified to succeed. But I'm starting to realize that I MUST try. I'm excited for the future. I can't wait to see what the lies ahead of me.

In the spirit of my new found courage and sense of adventure, t's time for me to end this post, and begin this year with a few wise words that are not my own.

"It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to." -Bilbo Baggins The Lord of the Rings- Fellowship of the Ring

Living in America...

Wow...been a while since I posted here. Wanted to get back into blogging about whatever hits me at the moment. Probably as good a day as any...Maybe even better.

Today is the 10th anniversary of 9/11. It's crazy to think how much my life, and the lives of everyone in the U.S. have changed. Ten years ago today, I was in my junior year of high school. Gas prices were cheap enough that my friends and I could cruise around town just to waste time. People of middle eastern decent were not feared anymore than people of other decents. Food was cheap. Jobs were plentiful. Life was good.

Then it happened. Osama bin Laden hatched a plan to bring the U.S. to it's knees. I remember going to class that morning like any normal day. Sitting in my chair, waiting for the bell to ring. Someone said a plane had flown into a building in New York City. Within minutes, a tv had been wheeled into the classroom and we were watching the news coverage of the most devestating event of our young lives to date. None of us understood at that time how much our lives would be forever changed.

When we found out it was a terrorist attack, and not just a horrible accident, I remember saying, "Who would be stupid enough to attack America?!" That's the mentality many of us had at that time. We were the greatest country in the world. Strongest in military, great economy. We weren't afraid to go shopping or to fly somewhere for vacation. We weren't leary of people from the middle east. I don't even think I'd ever heard of Afghanistan. We were America the strong. The brave. The powerful. And no one could ever do anything to damage that...Or so we thought.

I don't remember much about that day ten years ago. Mostly that everyone was in a panick or crying. I had band practice after school that night. My mom had called my cell and told me that I HAD to go put gas in my car as soon as I left school. At the time, it was thought that because of the attacks, the U.S. would no longer have access to oil. They would shut us down that day. I remember sitting in my car a block away from that gas station for a few hours, just waiting to get in. The whole country was in a panick. We were all in a crisis state of mind. My parents drove up, and told me to take their car to band practice and they would fill my tank for me.

My older brother was in his fourth day of basic training for the Air Force when the towers fell. No one knew what would happen, but many in my family were sure my brother would be deployed immediately. I remember going to band practice and talking to the boy I was in love with. Telling him that my family was worried for my brother. Ironically, that same boy is now an airman. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how scared I am that something will happen to him. The nature of his job is one I'm not allowed to know. I think that makes it worse.

My brother is still an airman. He's a reservist who hasn't yet been deployed. His day is coming quickly, I believe. Sometime this spring, he will deploy. I wonder how women survive the deployements of men in their lives. How will my mother, sisters and I cope with my brother's deployement? What about his wife and children?

I had never flown before 9/11. So, I can't tell you how much airlines have changed from the days before. These days, we take our shoes off before walking through the metal detector. I have been randomly pulled from line and patted down before walking through the machine. I remember going to Chicago a few years ago to visit a friend. The day we were to come back, there was a terrorist attack in London. We were told to arrive at the airport several hours early in order to get through security in time to make our flight. This is the world we live in now.

Gas prices are high enough that driving just to drive is no longer an option. Many people have traded in their massive suvs and super duty trucks for hybrid cars. If an unknown package or bag is left anywhere, the bomb squad is called in. The air force now does multiple fly-overs during football games. I remember for a long time seeing a chart on the news. Different colors meant different terror levels. Orange, red, ecetera. "Axis of evil" was a phrase used often in those early days. Videos of soldiers being be-headed by Al Qaeda were sent to news organizatons regularly. This is the world we live in now. A world of fear.

So, how do you live each day with the fear? Mostly, I just put it out of my mind. I occupy my time with school and work and facebook and texting. I think that's the only way any of us can ever really stay sane in it all. We focus on managing bills and cutting costs. We focus on hobbies or work. We focus on our families. The world is a scary place, but that doesn't mean that we must be afraid of everything all the time. We must remember to stop and see the blessings, no matter how small. My drive home from work is very late at night. Partly on back roads. I see deer nearly every drive home. It's a nice reminder that life goes on. I still laugh at "that's what she said" jokes. I still crank my stereo and sing and dance through my house like my brother and I did as kids. This is how life goes on.

Ten years later, life goes on.

Stay 18 forever...So we can stay like this forever...

Held myself together. Stuck it out. Felt my body collapsing into itself. It was all Jack's Mannequin and bleeding heartbreak. Goodbye and good day. He's been gone for so long and I know I'll be fine. Just fine. I don't think I'll ever see him again. That should hurt more than it does. Maybe I never saw him to begin with. Never saw myself until he left. I'm stronger than all this life. So many options right now. Doors are opening and I'm peeking in. The world is coming together and I'm reaching towards a goal. Breathe in life. Here it comes. I can feel the screams I wish I could express. I want to go into the courtyard and yell at my loudest just like I did so many years ago. Nerves in my gut need something to do besides squirm. Want to run a mile just to see where I am. Wake up and be alive. B-free. B-happy. B-boys and b-loved. It's more than gas stations and sore legs. Push-up bras and quotas. Two hours of sleep aren't fixing me like they used to. Roadtrips and mix cds can heal the world. Jump in the car and blast out the love. My world is Iron and Wine and Brand New. Twenty-five in thirty-five days. A quarter of a century down. What can I say? A lot, depending. The filter can't block it all. Best friends are there to think clearly for me. I'm not who you think I am. I'm so much more than you'll ever understand. I want to make you by destroying you. I want to destroy you by making you. I want to feel you in me. I want to force you out. Can't understand. How did you read that book? Takes most people years, it took you minutes. For every action there is a reaction. It's not what I expected. I'm naked and confused. Life is new. Give me a list. I need to check stuff off.

There's a lot to learn about Joan...

Pray. Pray that God will send someone to love you. Pray that God will help you get hired. Pray that it will all be okay. Fuck it! God's not listening. Maybe God doesn't exhist. If I want something, I'll have it. On my own. I don't need to bend and scrape and wish and dream and hope. I have the ability to make it happen without anyone else's help. I am not weak. I have weaknesses, yes. But I am not weak. And I will not change who I am to fit into some mold that everyone else has laid out for me. If you don't like me, I don't care. I am what I am. Take a minute to get to know me. I love music that makes me feel something. I can totally block out the world if a good song comes on. I love to knit. I hate to knit. I laugh. A lot. I hate driving. I love books. I have considered, on more than one occasion, how exciting the Zombie Apacolypse will actually be. Sometimes, I argue just to argue. I wish I had a bigger bootie. I have a scar on my arm from accidentally running into a metal gate at work. The first time I ever fell in love was when I was 16. It didn't happen again until I was 23. Both guys broke my heart by leaving. I have a friend in Iraq. I'm scared for her everyday. During the winter, I become a total hermit. I won't leave the house for days if I don't have to. I love the book A Picture of Dorian Gray because "He looked on evil simply as a mode through which he could realise his conception of the beautiful." I believe that love is the most excruciating emotion a person can feel. That's why it's so amazing. I know that someday, I will walk out that door. And I won't come back. It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution.

Pick Me Up...If Work Permits...

lost my first love once. feeling that lost again. remember the days when the ceiling was falling in on us. peeled paint and torn fliers. living just to live. 2 am with the windows down. letting the summer sink in. knowing all the right words. laughing when i forget them. completely drunk down to every cell in my body. be part of something bigger than what we are. letting the smoke sink into my skin. living for cigarettes and road trips. ticket stubs and x-marked hands. not knowing anything. just knowing it will all work out.

three days out and my head is starting to clear. feel it all coming back out. locked it away, glued it shut. don't be afraid little child. it only hurts a bit. life is pain. here it comes. brace for impact.

Broken Compass...

stir crazy. keep moving, but not getting anywhere. let me slip away. ready to arrive. take a plane into the unknown. time to jump in. i'm ready, i am.

and nothing else matters...

(picture taken on sidekick)

so sick of not getting the time of day. it's 9:01pm...thanks. helps a lot. getting slaughtered like a lamb in this business. nothing makes sense and nothing else matters. it's all i want and it's exactly what i'll never get. death before failure...right? at this rate, might as well die. failing a little more everyday. want to stop the meds. sick of it all. sick of being normal. sick of being plain. done with this crappy exhistance. gotta break free. prisoner of war. can't break out. and nothing else matters. can't breath to seek. can't find the way. darkness is the absense of light. the darkness is a cloak that's suffocating. the world is breaking. shatter the windows. couldn't feel the wind anyways. fuck it all. done with the waiting. hurry up and wait. that's life. wait wait wait. cough out the truth. nothing else matters. lost faith. can't turn around. can't keep going on like thi. just need a reason to be. want to be on the road. want to make something beautiful. make me beautiful. make this world the truth. make it all alive. the music flows and can't make it stop. but there it is. they keep turning it down. this one goes to 11. why don't you just make 10 louder? but this one goes to 11. wish it all went to 11. never let go of the line. keep holding on till the line breaks. it's getting thin and starting to tear. lost the way . lost the light. never cared for all the fake. just wanted something real. people are assholes. fucking true. i'm dying for this. and nothing else matters.

i love you too..

got the doors stuck in my head. break on through to the other side. god, what i wouldn't give to break on through to the other side. things are good. things suck. making friends who actually give a shit. got someone to walk the path with. walk until our feet get tired. we'll find our way out someday. for now, we'll just stick together and walk. it's fall. the trees are my soul. gold and red and dying. feel the chill in the air. it'll be time again soon. one year ago i couldn't see the end. now i can't see the begining. wish i had something to call my own. someone. the phone's been ringing, ain't no one answering. ready to feel the pain again. i've missed it so. when it comes, i'll be ready and waiting. there'll be peace when you are gone. go now in peace.

long live the car-crashed hearts...

trying to sleep in the car. realize my eyes won't close cause you're there. feel like everything's gonna be ok. the world is crashing down at my feet. the zombies are closing in. running. running. running. just trying to stay alive. and when i finally run out of breath. i look up. and there's a field. do i die in a field, or keep trucking on? sleep. sleep. sleep. night closes in and the zombies are back. it was all a dream. but for mere moments, forgot the terror. i found my safety net just now. thank the music. thank god. thank you. wish i could carry my savior around in my pocket. for now, i'll steal moments alone w/ you. just good to know you're still out there. i missed having that comfort. i miss you. i miss what you meant to me. i'm spinning fuct like the music will spill out and surround me with a protective spell. nothing makes sense anymore. i can't control anything. yet, i control everything. i'm blind in the dark and the batteries in my flashlight are starting to fail. but i cling to hope. you're out there. feel my way through the forest of fear and helplessness. i'll catch your hand soon. just have to keep going. the world belongs to those who choose to hope. i've got the whole world in my hands.

she paints me blue...

so scared that you'll do something rash. please don't let it take you. fight it. fight with everything you have. you are a warrior. we both are. i feel the fire rise up in me. keep my strength. hold it in just a little longer. it will explode forth like the furies of hell. but not yet. wait for it...wait for it...it's done. why can't you see that it'll all be okay. looking at you, i see myself. i'm reaching out a hand to you like someone once did for me. please, take my hand.
all by myself..but not alone. felt like i belonged. i do belong. pushing my way into the crowd. pointing the lights all on me. turning on. it takes a minute, but soon, i'll be lit up like jesus raining down from heaven. wake little children. wake. the time has come to take a stand. to fight. freedom and happiness are the sword and the arrows. dreams come true are the targets. practice. practice. soon, the war will come. take a side. and fight till the end. blood, sweat, and tears are the sacrifice we all must make. sacrifice yourself on the altar of faith. give over to the unknown. darkness is nothing but the absence of light. here's a match. light the world.

i'm hoping to hear something besides echoes everytime i say hello.

woke up this morning and found something missing. looked for my keys. my shoes. my breakfast. nothing's missing. but something is. i can't breath. evertime i try to stop and think, i'm suffocating. there's so much on my mind. and i can't get it out. i'm terrified. rooted to the ground and i can't move an inch. i've held onto this my whole life. and without it, i have nothing. what can i do? i've got a handful of unhappiness. this wasn't how it was supposed to be. i had a plan. i'm in the car. and i've got tears in my eyes because i can't bear another day. i just want to go back and change it all. why can't i just be different? and everyone expects me to be something i'm not. i'm not who you think i am. i cry in my room at night because i can't get out. because i know i'll never be happy. never be something. never...be. i wish i could write more. wish i could purge it all. but there's too much to be said. and not enough words to say it. i need to find a way back. i'll see you when i fix it.

give me the song and i'll sing it like i mean it...

i'm crying too much to post how i really feel.

life despite god...

it's been forever since i've bled my soul. i'm ready to let it take over again. it's time. i'm nothing without it. i've got a chill right down in my veins. they shiver and shake into my bones. i move to the pulse of the song. sing my troubles to life. her voice is rough and scratchy. the sound of my soul. here comes the rain. i'll get soaked and i don't care. my eyes are tired and my mind is tired and my soul is tired. i need to sleep endlessly. but i love the torture. keep me up. run me down. light the candle. extenguish the flame. love is a battlefield. i'll shoot you dead. break you apart. build a mosaic from your shredded heart. bruises on my arms tell the truth. just because you like a person, doesn't mean they're good. please say i'm good at what i do. tell me that it's never gonna be the same. tell me someone's listening. sending wishes and prayers up to the stars. message failed. please re-send. what goes up must come down. down down down i go. and i'll rise up again. i'll rise until it's done. don't let it end. i want it all for myself. i won't stop until you know my name. i won't stop before i become your god(dess). i won't stop until your prayers are sent to me. until i'm amongst the stars. look up into the sky. do you see me looking down? do you feel me in your dreams? i'm losing faith in truths. faith in lies. in lies faith. i have faith in you. don't loose faith in me.